Joykiller

Pernah tak korang ada kawan, rakan sekerja, atau mungkin seseorang yang korang anggap sebagai 'senior' yang dihormati, tapi setiap kali korang kongsi berita gembira, dia akan jadi orang pertama yang datang bawa 'hujan' untuk basahkan mood korang? Orang putih panggil orang macam ni wet blanket atau joykiller. Lebih parah lagi, bila orang ini berada dalam kategori "Orang Tersayang" atau orang yang rapat dalam hidup kita. It’s a painful irony, kan?

Lama juga aku muhasabah diri, tertanya-tanya sama ada aku yang terlalu sensitif atau overthinking. Tapi bila corak (pattern) yang sama berulang berkali-kali, aku sedar ini bukan isu kebetulan. This is a pattern.

Corak Halus Seorang 'Joykiller'

Bila aku ingat-ingat balik, 'racun' yang dibawa selalunya datang dalam bentuk yang sangat halus, kononnya atas dasar menasihati atau sekadar menyampaikan cerita. Antara situasi yang biasa berlaku:

Memperkecilkan Usaha & Inisiatif Kita (Diminishing Your Effort)

Setiap kali aku cuba untuk tingkatkan kemahiran diri, belajar sesuatu yang baru (self-study), atau rancang strategi ke hadapan, mesti akan ada ulasan yang bernada sinis. "Muda-muda ni memang la ada semangat lagi, nanti dah lama-lama malas la nak kejar semua benda ni." Ayat nampak macam keluhan peribadi je kan, tetapi impaknya macam nak bagi rasa ragu-ragu (self-doubt) dalam diri kita.

Menjadi 'Jurucakap' Berita Negatif (The Messenger of Negativity)

This is the most telling part. Setiap kali aku dapat pengiktirafan, pujian daripada pihak atasan, atau apa-apa jela pencapaian atas hasil kerja keras aku, dia akan tiba-tiba muncul membawa 'suara-suara sumbang' dari belakang. "Orang tu kata macam ni pasal kau...", "Ada yang tak puas hati kat sana...". Logik akal, if they are truly a friend, kenapa beriya-iya jadi posmen untuk menyampaikan perkara yang boleh merosakkan kegembiraan kita? Why are they fanning the flame?

Menambah Beban Ketika Waktu Kritikal (Adding Fuel to the Fire)

Semasa aku tengah undertake a huge responsibility, a very niche and specific task yang mencabar—bukannya bagi sokongan, tapi kritikan kecil yang tidak membina pula yang kerap diungkit. Nampak sangat macam satu usaha sengaja untuk menguji ketahanan mental kita waktu kita tengah under immense pressure.

Timing yang Terlalu Kebetulan (Impeccable Timing)

Baru je aku up status meraikan kesyukuran atau small wins di media sosial, sepantas kilat mesej peribadi masuk membawa khabar angin profesional yang tidak berasas,cakap ada pihak yang tak puas hati dengan kerja aku. Macam aku lepas tangan masa aku away from office to receive said award. Padahal, sebelum aku tinggalkan ofis aku dah selesaikan mana yang aku kena selesaikan dan serah tugas dekat orang yang sepatutnya. Orang yang kononnya tak puas hati ngan aku pun aku dah maklumkan dan update dari semasa ke semasa. Orang tu pun tak contact aku langsung. Dari mana datang tak puas hati dan lepas tangan ni? The timing is just too perfect to be a coincidence.

Apps Cari Jodoh

Jodoh pertemuan itu ketentuan ilahi. Kalau nak berpasangan, haruslah diletakkan usaha mencarinya. Ada sorang kenalan aku ni join Apps cari jodoh. Macam mana aku tau? Dah dia hari-hari duk announce kat Facebook, maunya tak tau.

Bagi yang tak tahu, apps-apps begini memang ada ruang chat untuk berkenalan dengan calon pasangan. Biasanya ruang chat one-to-one dengan ada seorang moderator yang akan observe korang punya interaction supaya tak melalut ke arah yang bukan-bukan.

Dah bagus dah design apps untuk memastikan process taaruf berlangsung dalam keadaan terkawal dan pada masa yang sama melindungi privasi pesertanya. Yang tak sedapnya bila benda yang sepatutnya tinggal dalam Apps dibawak keluar ke media sosial yang lain seperti twitter dan facebook.

Baru-baru ni sorang individu ni asyik duk share perbualan dia kat situ. Agak tak sedap la tengok dia macam memperkecilkan calon-calon yang cuba masuk line. Kalau tak berminat, janganlah melayan. Kan serius mencari jodoh, bukan nak chat suka-suka. Kalau nak chat suka-suka join la group kat Facebook. Ramai yang gatal merenyam kat situ. Nak gurau, nak mengutuk, nak subtweet ke unmensi ke, benda kat facebook kekal kat facebook. Benda kat apps biarlah senyap kat situ. Jangan duk pikir kita lawa, ramai orang cuba nak kenal, elok duk kutuk depa belakang-belakang.

Aku nak tegur tapi tak lama lagi aku pun nak balik kampung. Kang tak pasal-pasal gaduh lak. Duk jauh tak pela nk gaduh pun. Duk satu kampung karang datang tarik-tarik rambut depan rumah. 

Hah naya.

Adieu

Kelam Masa Depan

Beberapa tahun dulu, salah seorang kawan baik aku pindah negara. Masa tu dah macam sedihnya.. Mesti dah payah nak jumpa. Ditambah pulak masing-masing sibuk dengan dunia sendiri, jaranglah boleh berborak walaupun masing-masing manjang kat Instagram. Fast forward 2 years or so, she asked for a video chat. Of course la aku ON je sebab dah rindu kan. Long-distance relationship ni lain macam sikit kaedahnya.

"We should do this more often" and end-up never video chatting again.

Masa ni la dia bukak cerita yang dia ada crush and apparently the crush had a crush on her too. So bukan bertepuk sebelah tangan la. Masa tu katanya tengah dilema sama ada nak kahwin terus atau nak tunang dulu sebab mamat tu student lagi. Aku pun cam, "OMG babe. Sounds like a catch. get engaged and wait fr him to finish his study"

Another fast forward to 2 years, kawan aku text aku cakap "Babe, I'm getting married this weekend" aku cam, wait what what what? Bukan ke nak tunggu dia habis belajar dulu? Pastu dia explain la yang mamat tu dah balik sebab Covid19. Memandangkan keadaan global tak menentu dan mak ayah kawan aku pun bimbang kawan aku sorang-sorang kat luar negara, diorang usulkan untuk kahwin sekarang. And that's how my friend got married to her crush.

Looking at her progression in life, I can't help but to look at myself as well. I'm still the same me.  I'm still bujang, doing my daily chores like clockwork. Nothing much has change. Tapi tak lama lagi hidup aku bakal berubah secara drastik.

Baru-baru ni syarikat aku mengumumkan yang semua pekerja tetap telah ditawarkan VSS (Voluntary Separation Scheme). Dalam kata mudah, kami dijemput untuk meletak jawatan. Masa tengah baca email tu jantung ni rasa nak berhenti. Gelap mata jap. Allah.. Aku dah 8 tahun buat kerja ni. Apa aku nak buat lepas ni? Dua malam aku tak dapat nak tidur nyenyak.

Kebetulan mak ayah aku datang dari kampung sebab nak melawat nenek yang sakit kat rumah mak sedara aku. So I built up a courage to break the news to them. Aku pun bagitau la pasal VSS tu. Macam yang aku agak, mak ayah pun terdiam tak tahu nak cakap apa. Aku tanya la patut ke aku ambik offer tu sebab kalau tak ramai yang ambik dan syarikat masih bermasalah nak tanggung pekerja, kemungkinan besar akan ada retrenchment. Time tu dah tak boleh pilih sama ada kau nak berhenti atau tak. 

Personally I've been thinking about quitting my job. But the fear of being jobless stopped me from doing so. Also, I did not want to disappoint my parents. They are so proud of the fact that I am an Engineer. Aku dapat bayangkan mulut-mulut orang kampung. Dahla tak kahwin-kahwin sebab gila kerja, sekarang dah tak ada kerja, what is left of me?

Tak tahu la kenapa tapi sebaik sahaja aku bukak cerita kat mak ayah, jalan nampak terang depan aku. Aku luahkan kebimbangan aku. Aku luahkan kemahuan aku. Umi macam tergamam. Betul telahan aku, umi ada bimbang orang mengata. Abah lebih tenang dan menyokong. "Mana-mana la kak. Apa yang akak rasa wajar".

Aku menimbang semua fakta:

Fakta 1: Aku masih di taraf Executive di syarikat aku ni. Dan buat masa sekarang, terlampau ramai Executive yang kebolehan hampir sama malah lebih baik daripada aku ada dalam syarikat.
Fakta 2: Aku sudah di tahap stagnant dari segi kebolehan untuk menyerap skill baru. Aku terlampau lama dalam position ni. No new thing to learn and it feels like I refuse to learn.
Fakta 3: Aku melayu. Ini company bukan melayu. Kalau ada kepala yang akan bergolek, boleh jadi kepala aku dulu.
Fakta 4: Aku penat. Lepas degree, aku sempat berehat seminggu sebelum lapor diri. Dan sejak dari tu hidup aku berkisar tentang kerja kerja kerja. Meeting guys? Social life? What are those?

Dan aku juga menimbang keadaan aku sekarang:

- Aku tak ada komitmen bulanan. Aku tak ada kereta atau rumah untuk dibayar bulan-bulan jadi aku tak begitu terbeban dengan hilang punca pendapatan.
- Adik aku dah habis belajar. Aku tak perlu rasa bersalah kalau tak dapat menampung perbelanjaan dia lagi.
- Aku ada kebolehan lain. Walaupun tak mewah, aku masih boleh survive dengan melukis. Pokoknya kena ubah gaya hidup. Tak boleh bermewah. Jangan hirau kata mulut orang.

Jadi aku nekad. Aku akan apply untuk VSS tu. Kalau diterima, insya Allah, lepas 12 tahun merantau, aku bakal kembali ke Terengganu. Kalau ditolak, alhamdulillah, rezeki masih panjang di sini. Apa-apapun, sebaik-baik perancangan adalah dari Allah. Aku bergantung sepenuhnya kepada Dia. Apa pun yang mendatang, sekelam mana pun masa depan, aku ikhlaskan pergantungan aku kepada-Nya.

Mana tau, mungkin makin rancak aku berkongsi di blog lepas ni.

Adieu

Inseparable

"Air dicincang takkan putus"

"Carik-carik bulu ayam akhirnya bercantum jua"

Gitulah kiranya hubungan minyak dengan Tupperware. Semenjak jadi level-level makcik, aku cukup gemar dengan Tupperware. Dulu bukan main kutuk mak obses ngan barang plastik last-last aku pun sangkut jugak. Heh!

Benda paling aku menyampah nak buat adalah basuh minyak dari bekas Tupperware. Kadang-kadang tu fikir dua tiga kali, "Hmmm.. mungkin aku patut guna tipuware je untuk bungkus makanan berminyak ni" sebab punya la menyampah nak menyental kesan minyaknya tu nanti. Agak-agaknya kenapa minyak ni suka sangat nak melekat di Tupperware ye? Kalau ada pakar kimia nak berkongsi, silakan.

Menurut pengetahuan kimia aku yang peringkat SPM ni, dua-dua minyak dan plastik (polyethylene to be precise since we're talking about Tupperware) adalah sebatian hidrokarbon dengan rantaian panjang yang non-polar. Air pulak polar jadi bahan-bahan ni taknak bergaul la dengan dia. Disebabkan itu minyak dengan polyethylene lebih selesa berdampingan bersama daripada bercampur gaul dengan Air. Perangai pulau-memulau ni bukan hanya ada apa manusia, dekat bahan kimia pun ada.

Sebab tu la juga kita memerlukan sabun untuk membersihkan kesan minyak. Sabun ni sifat dia bercampur polar non-polar. Senang cerita ada kekeliruan identiti. Tapi disebabkan sifat ni la dia boleh ubah sifat minyak dengan menyeliputi molekul minyak tu supaya minyak boleh bergerak bebas dalam air. 

"Babe, cleaning your greasy Tupperware should not be this complicated"

Memang la tak complicated tapi bila basuh Tupperware ni, tak kira la kau pakai sabun sebotol pun, jap lagi dah bilas confirm ada kesan minyak tu lagi. Punya la degil nak mampus. Biasanya aku akan basuh bekas tu dua kali, mula-mula dengan sabun pekat lepas tu bilas dengan air mutlak. DUA KALI! Kalau masuk kuah spageti ke, kuah nasi lemak ke, biasanya paling kurang pun 3 kali. Dah la berminyak, tinggal kaler la tu. Axion pun tak boleh bantu.

Pokoknya, kalau renyah nak basuh Tupperware, elok pakai jela bekas plastik tapau yang murah tu. Elok fedup duk menyental, kau campak je masuk gaung. Setel masalah..

"Tapi kak, we have to reduce single-use plastic"

Pulak...

Adieu

P/S: Takkan hilang minyak di Tupperware.. Punya puitis ayat kat twitter zaman sekarang LOL

Fat Advocate

At one point in my life, I weighed around 82kg. To be honest, other than major knee pain whenever I need to squat, I was fine. Fine is an inaccurate term. I was done. Tak kesah la gemuk gedabak ke apa ke. Lantaklah orang nak kata apa asal aku happy. Tapi tu masa tu la. Menjelang usia 30 tahun aku cam, "Eish takleh jadi ni. Apa kata kita kurangkan sikit berat supaya lutut tak tercabut time cangkung nak berak" because seriously, that almost happened.

So I went on Atkins diet for about 2-3 months. Lo and behold, I lost around 10 kg. Lepas tu aku cam, "Hmm okay la ni kot. Bukan nak aim kurus kerempeng pun". Nak mencangkung pun dah best lepas tu. Lenguh tu ada tapi takde la sampai nak nangis time nak bangun balik. Masa buat Atkins memang betul-betul jaga; gula tak ambik, nasi, roti tak ambik dan banyakkan makan protein dan fiber. Aku memang sangat suka makan tofu so benda ni tak jadi masalah. Cumanya susah sikit la nak convert dari pemakan thigh ke pemakan breast. Daging pun jarang sentuh sebab Atkins lebih prefer white meat (hence the breast). Berbaloi ke Atkins diet? Sangat berbaloi cuma agak mahal la. Believe it or not, healthy food are damn expensive.

Lepas capai 72kg, aku kembali ambik carbs cuma sebab dah terbiasa dengan Atkins masa tu, kuantiti carb yang aku amik pun berkurang secara drastik. Cumanya sugar intake aku mencanak naik, so still, carb.. Aku maintain dengan berat tu sampai la puasa hari tu. Puasa hari tu aku try buat Atkins lagi sekali just for fun. Tapi tak consistent so aku berjaya turun 4kg je. Dari 72kg aku turun 68kg. Lepas raya dan lepas balik kampung hari tu, aku naik balik jadi 72kg. Gahahaha. Yoyo gittew.

Sekembalinya dari kampung aku jadi nekad balik. Sebabnya, walaupun lutut dah tak ugut nak tercabut dari soket, kaki still cepat kebas bila mencangkung lama-lama. So aku pun pasang niat untuk turun berat supaya lepas ni kalau melabur, kaki tak lagi kebas.

Kahkahkah apa jadahnya diet sebab berak tak best?? 

Kali ni aku nak try Keto diet sebab macam tengah in je diet tu kat twitter, LOL. Berbeza dengan Atkins yang high protein-low carb, Keto adalah diet yang high fat, moderate protein and very low carb. They are rather similar since they cut off carb intake but with Atkins, your energy source is protein while with Keto it is fat. Keto diet gets your body in ketosis so you're forced to breakdown the fat in your food or stored in your body. Bunyi macam canggih manggih kan? Tapi sebagai individu yang berpuasa, kita dah biasa dah dalam fasa ketosis ni. It takes about 2-4 days to reach ketosis depending on your sugar intake. So really, it is a natural and familiar process.

Kenapa tak stick to Atkins since it worked well last time?

Sebab aku bosan. Plus aku baru dapat electric oven dari adik aku so aku cam.. "Ummmmhh takkan la nak makan dada ayam ngan tofu je. I want meat.." I want lotsa meat and fat ahahaha. So aku pun oklah jom buat keto diet.

Hari ni dah cukup seminggu aku buat Keto and I now weigh about 68kg. Those are probably water-weight anyway so lets see how it goes in a few months. Aku sekarang tengah cuba pujuk diri untuk bersenam dengan lebih kerap tapi tula. Payah betul. Kita tengok la cane nanti.

Adieu

P/S: Setiap kali rasa putus asa nak diet dan berat badan naik balik, eloklah pulang ke kampung dan melabur kat jamban cangkung supaya dapat balik motivasi nak kurus. Thank you tandas cangkung for being my biggest motivator to lose weight.

A Thirst Quencher for A Stubborn Girl

I am here to expose my sister and share with you a new favorite drink of mine. So let's go.

My sister is obsessed with tiktok. Pantang lepa mesti duk mengadap phone tengok tiktok. I don't understand her obsession but at least she's not filming one. So anyway.. Satu hari ni dia mesej masa aku kat office "Kak, beli limau nipis 5 biji". Aku macam, okay.. I guess I'm your errand girl since you can't leave home.

So I bought her 5 beautiful, juicy, shiny limes. The skin was thin and not too hard to squeeze. That's how you know it has reached its full JUICEABILITY!!! Senang cerita, cari la limau yang besar-besar for maximum juice yield.

I'm not one to ask. Aku memang jenis yang malas tanya dan malas amik tahu so aku tengok je dia duk melilau-lilau kat dapur. Pelik aku tengok dia belah-belah semua limau tu. Apa ko nak buat dengan limau nipis 5 bijik? Ko nak bomohkan sape?

Lepas tu dia capai blender. Aku kalau orang pegang blender aku ni memang sensitif sikit. Benda dah pakai dekat 6 tahun. Memang seriau la kot-kot jahanam blender panasonic aku. At this stage, I couldn't feign disinterest so I asked her.

"Ko nak buat apa ni?"

"Brazilian limeade" dia jawab.

"Hah?" aku tanya sebab what-the-hell is a Brazilian limeade? Brazilian wax aku tau la.

Lepas tu dia dengan mata besar dia tu, dengan sengih lebar tunjuk kat aku video tiktok ntah dari mana buat Brazilian Limeade. Basically you have to blend 5 lime with half cup of condensed milk, quarter cup of sugar and 5 cups of cold water in a big blender until all the limes were blended into fine. Wait.. wait.. wait.. logically, kalau kau blend a whole lime, it's gonna be hella bitter so I advised her against it.

"Jangan blend the whole limau. Amik jus pastu parut sikit kulit dia. Pahit tu karang kalau blend sebijik macam tu" but of course she won't listen to me. She's dead stubborn so I let her. Aku memang dah dapat agak dah rasa dia macam mana tapi kita bagi chan la budak nak experiment. So kitorang pun tunggu berbuka. (Oh aku lupa bagitau.. benda ni jadi masa bulan puasa haritu)

Azan berkumandang. The moment of truth is here. 

I kid you not, the look on her face was hilarious. She tried so hard to mask her disdain over the bitter drink. Like seriously, what did you expect? I guess the authentic Brazilian Limeade is supposed to taste bitter. It was strangely addictive though. Apart from tasting painfully bitter, it tastes refreshing. Of course I was gonna gloat.. "Haa see.. I told you already but you didn't listen. Degil kan".

The next few days I tried experimenting with the ingredients. First of all, no lime rind. Gigih perah limau, tapis bijik sebab taknak bagi pahit. Aku kurangkan limau nipis 5 bijik jadi 2-3 biji untuk single serving. Gula pun kurangkan sikit sebab bila dah tak pahit, memang serius manis air ni jadinya. On second trial, it was deadass tasty!

I'm sorry for bastardizing the original recipe. This is why I will not be calling it the Brazilian Limeade and I will call it Solero Limeade instead. Serius rasa dia ada cam ice-cream Solero tu. 

Since rasa dia pun ada ura-ura, aku pun cam.. hmm.. this is not green enough. Lagipun kat rumah memang ada pewarna hijau epal dari star brand (uhuhuhu, bukan iklan berbayar) so why not kan. Biasanya aku celup toothpick je dalam botol pewarna. Whatever yang terlekat kat lidi tu jela aku campur dalam minuman ni. So takdelah hijau gila. Just ura-ura hijau gitu.

So ending cerita hari ni, terima la olahan resepi Solero Limeade untuk dicuba. Eloklah kalau korang ejas-ejas sendiri kuantiti bahan tu sebab aku pun main agak-agak, main eye-balling je most of the time.

Adieu

Fasyun

Hari tu ada la borak ngan geng BOTK pasal character styling. Boraknya sikit aje tapi asyik duk terpikir lak walaupun topiknya dah basi. Bila aku duk tengok-tengok, duk tilik-tilik, memang masa aku reka watak Day ngan Kei tu aku malas habis. Asyik pakai T-shirt putih ngan hoodie putih. Tapi bagus jugak sebab aku memang malas nak lukis yang complicated. Malas satu hal, tak reti pun satu hal lagi. Nak jugak aku merajinkan diri lukis baju pesen-pesen tapi tu la.. Last-last jadi malas balik. Lagipun aku tak reti sangat bab-bab fesyen ni.

Kat Pinterest aku memang ada satu Board dedicated to fashion. One of my favorite fashion item is sheer fabric. Dari sheer dress sampai la mesh shirt. Aku suka tengok. Ada la satu kali beli baju yang ada sheer fabric kat bawah, konon ranggi la. Tapi bila pakai, hahahahaha, advertise muffin top. Why why why why..

Adieu

Of Onion and Tears

Something ridiculous happened to me during lunch today. I took my sister with me for Subway. We sat by the window; my sister was chewing her B.L.T. I was not that hungry at the time so I ordered a bowl of salad. It was good, plain but good enough to satiate my need to chew some food. We were quietly munching our lunch when there was this urgent tingling in our eyes. I could barely keep them open. I looked at my sister and she too was squinting. A familiar sting was harassing our view. I looked around. Someone must have ordered a sandwich with truck load of onion. 

We turned back to our food, sniffing as we do. But it seemed like we were not the only ones who were affected by the onion sting. During the confusion, I locked eyes with the couple at the table next to us. They were also squinting their eyes, noses sniffled timidly. I looked at the Subway server. They were sniffling along with the people who were lining up to order their lunch.

I found it quite bizarre and comical. I asked "Are you cutting onion back there?"

One of the girls quickly answered "We are. Sorry about that"

And the whole place burst with laughter. It was so ridiculous that we could only laugh about it. And cry of course. We were crying in pain because of the onion and the laughable situation we were in.

(From Anna Banana)

Adieu

Dear Old Friend Pt.2

Last year I wrote about I friend I decided to unfriend. 

That Post About That Dude

Surprise.. Surprise.. The dude resurfaced. Apparently he's sending a friend request to my Facebook account. Hah! I deleted you; why would I accept it again? Plus, I don't even go to Facebook that much anymore.

Apart from that dude, there's another dude who tries to add me. (I don't always talk about friend requests that come my way, but I feel strongly about these two). This dude is just as annoying if not more than the other one. One similarity they share is that they befriended my mom. Which is rather odd when you think about it. But my mom is some sort of a local celebrity anyway so yeah.

The thing about this dude, let's call him T, is he likes to insult me on my mom's posts. Constantly pointing out my weight and what not. He said it jokingly but always the same recycled "joke". Mom said he might be interested in me. But why on earth would I be inclined to get to know him when he incessantly trying to make me feel inferior? One thing he's wrong about me is that I don't need his validation. Does he think by making me feel bad about myself I would lower my ground and settle for an inadequate man as himself? Plus, he is infamously prickly. Dad says he could see how hot-headed T is from their first encounter. Definitely not someone that would suit well with a hot-headed woman like me.

Anyway, I'm not gonna accept their friend requests because what for? Seriously, Why? One is living across the sea, interacting only through shades and submentions, the other one is straight up annoying whose only connection he manages to retain between us is primary school friend. Not even a memorable one.

Good riddance to both of them.

Adieu

Wedding After-effect

Marriage..

I used to think that marriage is a destination I want to come to one day. Years passed, I'm getting more and more afraid of marriage. I've met quite a few slew of men. Some are downright revolting but most are good guys, genuine friend material.

But the only guys who approach me for marriage are the guy in the first category. Guys who were engaged, guys who were married, those kinda guys. The decent ones are content with being friends which I'm totally okay with. So yes, I am afraid of marriage and the guys who approach me with marriage in mind. I truly believe that I'm not one to marry. I'm scared of guys. I'm scared of emotionally investing in one.

Lately I've been receiving a lot of question regarding my marriage status. When are you getting married? Are you being too choosy with guys? Do you have anyone in mind?

The truth is, I'm scared shitless. I'm scared of getting married but I'm also scared of not getting married. It feels like a norm to plan my life towards marriage so I do feel anxious when I find myself hating the idea of it. I have a strong feeling towards someone but even that doesn't materialize into a desire to get married. I want to be loved. I don't want to be tied down though. The whole structure of marriage feels like a disaster waiting to happen.

I am getting old. I don't think even think I'm that desirable to guys anyway. And the thought of having a child is a nightmare to me. I'm not a prime specimen of human being. I'm not sure I want to pass down my gene to the next generation. What if I'm a shitty parent in the making? What if I'm not good enough to be one? Worse, what if I'm not capable of being one?

Yes, the imagination of having a perfect relationship does reel me in sometimes. Having someone to caress you, to touch and to feel is nice. But the price to having one is something I'm not ready to pay. Maybe what I'm truly afraid of is a failed marriage. And avoiding getting married is my way of not having a failed marriage.

Adieu

You are Cancelled

Truth be told, I'm a hateful person. I hold grudges. I know people do it too. I'm not trying to justify my behavior, I just want to let it out there.

I tend to drop people when they did something beyond compromise. I can handle a few missteps here and there but once I snap, that's it. You're dead to me. You will receive no pity let alone love from me. The latest sod to join the rank was a colleague of mine.

Lets call her Z because she's now last in my list of insignificant character.

Z ni sebaya dengan aku. Meaning we both had some years under our belt. Tapi disebabkan dia sambung belajar, dia join company company ni jauh lebih lewat berbanding aku yang dah bertahun-tahun kerja. Disebabkan itulah aku ditugaskan untuk melatih Z ni. Aku tak ada masalah nak bimbing orang ke jalan yang benar. Sebelum ni pun trainee-trainee memang diletak bawah pengawasan aku sebab aku boleh dikatakan paling muda kat sini so mungkin lebih senang nak relate dengan budak-budak yang baru mula nak kerja.

Tapi aku bermasalah nak ajar orang yang taknak belajar. Penat dah point out benda sama jugak salahnya. And she blamed it as part of her character. "Aku memang tak detail oriented la Day. Nak buat macam mana?". Boleh eh bagi alasan macam tu as a professional? Tu belum cakap lagi pasal skill bahasa Inggeris yang level sekolah menengah. No, scratch that. Maybe lower. Masalah dengan skill bahasa yang lemah ni mungkin nampak macam isu picisan. Tapi cuba kau fikir, kita ada banyak lagi masalah teknikal yang nak diselesaikan. Kau fikir aku aku ada masa ke nak ajar apa tu verb, apa tu subject, apa tu object, apa tu SENTENCE STRUCTURE!!!??

Kalau semua dokumen yang kau prepare last-last aku kena rombak dan buat balik, kau tak rasa macam buang masa ke kau buat semua tu? Kau tak fikir aku ada kerja lain lagi nak buat ke? Suruh ambik course English, taknak. Tapi laju sign up untuk course advance macam 3D modelling yang takde kena mengena ngan tugas dia. Tau la nak pandai, tapi boleh tak pandai buat kerja dulu? Aku pun still join English course sebab malu prepare document tak betul. Kau dengan selamber tak pernah plan pun nak improve diri sendiri. Apa kau fikir aku personal proofreader kau ke?

Dan benda paling aku tak boleh blah dengan Z ni, dia ni jenis tak fikir orang lain. Ambik cuti tak bincang ngan team member. Kami ni bertiga je, Manager sorang, Engineer dua orang. Bila boss takde, aku memang dah confirm-confirm la tak boleh ambik cuti sebab kena standby. Bila ada cuti hari awal minggu tu tak boleh ke kau tanya sepatah dua kat kawan kau yang asal dari ceruk mana ni nak ambik cuti panjang ke apa ke? Taaaakkk. Yang kau fikir, kau je nak balik kampung. Kau je ada mak nak kena jenguk. Kau je ada kampung halaman. Tapi takpelah aku faham. Annual leave orang. Apa hal aku nak bising. First come first serve la bak kata orang kampung aku dulu.

Tapi! Bila kau nak cuti tu, boleh tak consider tugas kau?

So macam ni. Dalam department kitorang ada satu program knowledge sharing di mana setiap bulan ada seorang wakil dari beberapa team akan present berkenaan construction item yang berkaitan dengan diorang. Aku punya part dah lepas. So kali ni, dia punya turn. First of, dia buat slide terus kena reject dan bos bagi kata dua kat aku suruh aku take over, prepare presentation deck untuk dia. Fine, takpelah. Walaupun panas dalam hati, aku anggap charity jela. Bila aku dah siapkan presentation slide, boleh pulak dia tak pernah vet through material tu. Habis tu kau nak present main baca slide je ke?

Bos aku ada satu peraturan. Bila ada orang dalam team tu kena present, semua kena hadir untuk bagi support. Both morally and technically. So bila aku tengok tarikh presentation dia jatuh pada 10 Jun 2019, aku tak berkira, terus beli tiket flight balik KL on 9th June 2019. Mind you this was during raya holiday. A few days later flight prices are vastly cheaper. But you know what, it's okay. It's work. You have to do what you have to do.

But guess what. Dia boleh ambik cuti 10 haribulan tu. Walaupun dia kena present hari tu. Habis tu dia expect siapa yang kena ganti dia present? AKU? Macam tu? Aku dah hangin. Dah la sakit hati tak pernah fikir giliran orang cuti, bab kerja sendiri pun boleh dia tolak tepi atas sebab "Alamak.. tapi aku nak cuti hari tu... (muka sedih)".

Aku bertegas aku takkan ganti dia present. Apa-apa pun setel ngan bos, nak cancel cuti tu atau tukar tarikh presentation. Dia putuskan untuk tukar tarikh presentation. Ok la fine. Suka hati kau. Kau deal sendiri dengan Secretary General Manager untuk tukar tarikh. I don't give a fuck anymore.

Tapi lagi sekali Z buat tahi. Macam biasa la. Dia mana nak check giliran cuti orang bila dia buat apa-apa keputusan. So tarikh presentation dia jatuh pada hari bos aku cuti panjang. Basically nanti masa dia present, aku la kena back up dia. Aku la kena jawab semua soalan-soalan teknikal nanti sebab nak harapkan dia memang pandai buat muka sedih dan merengek. AKU HARAP AKU CIRIT BIRIT HARI TU SO THAT AKU BOLEH MC SEBAB AKU TAKNAK SUPPORT KAU! I refuse!

YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN YOU SELFISH PRICK! Goodbye forever.

Adieu

Lyrics Translation Challenge: Nur Kasih by Slam

In case you haven't know, I'm a sucker for good lyrics and as if I haven't made myself clear, I'm a sucker at language though I've never been that good with either. So I'm gonna challenge myself doing a translation for some of the songs I found lyrically intriguing. It's gonna be bad but my kinda bad so eh. The song is nice too.

Nur Kasih {Light of Love} by Slam

Bukan aku tak cinta {It's not that I don't love (you)}

Pada mu semakin kurela {For you, I'm more (than) willing}

Kaulah satu di dunia {You're one in the world}

Tapi kau tak mengerti {But you didn't understand}

Getaran rahsia hati ini {The tremor of the secret in my heart}

Masih ada kucari {I'm still looking for something}

Kau anggap aku berseloka{You thought that I was joking}

Dan asyik dalam misteri {And that I was stuck in a mystery}

Mencari nur dan kasih Nya, pasti {Looking for God's Light and Love for sure}

Akhirnya engkau curiga {In the end you were suspicious}

Katamu aku berdusta {You said I was lying}

Memperduakan cinta {(that I was) unfaithful}

Mentari di tangan bulan {Sun in the hand of the Moon}

Kau serah di genggaman {You put (them) in (my) palms}

Tak kuhirau karna Dia {I ignored (it) for God}

Relalah aku korban {I'm willing to sacrifice}

Andainya satu hukuman {If it's a punishment}

Kau tinggal diriku {You left me}

Tanpa satu pengertian {Without understanding}

Dan sebenarnya cinta kita {Truthfully, our love was..}

Hanya cinta sementara {..just a temporary love}

Kan hilang jua dibawa arus pawana {(it) will eventually be lost with the passing of the wind}

Cinta pada kuterpandang {Love at physical beings}  lit: kuterpandang: things that can be seen =physical being

Kan pudar nafas hilang {Will fade when (I) die} lit: nafas hilang: lost breath=final breath

Hanya Ia menantiku di Azali yang suci {Only God is waiting for me in the holy hereafter}

Mengertilah kau sayang {(Please) understand, Love}

Kita harus rasakan  {We have to feel (it)}
Ke alam tiada mati {to the afterlife} lit: alam tanpa mati: land with no death = afterlife

Dan kita seabadi {And we will (be there) forever}

Dan akhirnya engkau kucup oh tangan ku {And finally, you kiss my hand} *Kissing one's and is an act to show respect/submission, usually towards older people

Marilah ku bisikkan keramat kasih ini {Let me whisper this sacred love} *I believe sacred love might refers to a promise or a vow made to the girl considering the context of the following sentence.

Biar menjadi nadi {Let (it) be (our) heartbeat}

Rahsiakan kalimah ku {Make secret of my words} *keep my promise a secret

Hingga ia menjadi tanda {Until it became a manifestation}

Hidup mati bersama {Life and death together}

Hidup mati bersama {Life and death together}

Book Cover and Its Challenges

Hi guys,

A month back I was approached by a freelance writer, asking me to design a book cover for her self-published travelogue. I was very unsure about this assignment considering I've only ever done one book cover design before for BOTK comic and it was heavily guided by Nub (our boss). Plus, I had a few projects on hand; 2 comic project and 1 very time consuming watercolor illustration project. So I was leaning towards rejecting this one.

Maybe because my client was in a hurry and I was a bit confident when it comes to travel illustration so I said yes at a price I first thought quite expensive (It's not. Demand for more). You see, I asked my mom how much people usually pay their book cover artist and she gave me a range around RM100-RM150. I wasn't thinking straight and I forgot that I'm designing a watercolour book cover. Plus the client was very involved with the creative process. Long story short, I wrongly priced the commission.

We had some hiccup along the way. Most of it stemming from miscommunication. We communicated through e-mail and Instagram Direct Message so it was really-really vague at times on what the client wanted and what I could contribute.

My first two drafts were rejected. I was taken aback by the comments I received. The thing about written communication is that it's not easy to assign the tone to the sentence you are reading. All the comments seemed ill-intentioned, they seemed abusive at times. I was ready to drop the project. The fee didn't seem to worth the effort I was putting in. But it didn't feel right so we set up a meeting. I wanted to know what the client really wanted.

So we met. Lo and behold, the meeting only lasted for 20 minutes. It was clear to me what I had to do. After that, working was easy. I found that my client had a difficulty to explain her needs through written form. She was easy to talk to. Very warm and friendly unlike her online counterpart. I finished the assignment as promised.

From this project I noticed something about myself. I've grown too fond of praise that I couldn't accept criticism. What I lack was patience. I was too eager to start the project without realizing that I don't have all the information needed to even start designing.

To those who are interested in book cover design, do look into book margin, bleed area, cut area and spine design. I was also asked to do a book mock up. (I would have charged extra for this but I was too tired to care).

Anyway, this is the final product of said project. Feel free to share your thoughts.

(This is a book mock-up and I'm so proud of it)

Adieu

The Knot Part 2

Week two of manic episode.. No this is not a manic episode. I don't know what it is. I'm too afraid to get it diagnosed..

I can't maintain focus. On work.. on personal life. Today, right now, I can't stop myself from shaking. My face aches randomly. Earlier on my chin now it's on my right jaw. There's a suffocating lump in my throat. I bite down hard, clenching my jaw unknowingly. Now that I realize how tense my face feels, I soften it a bit. But I unknowingly do it again.

I feel like puking but at the same time I feel immense hunger. When I sat down for breakfast this morning, I had the most unpleasant feeling in my mouth. The food tasted great but having them in my mouth felt like a disturbance.

I need to talk to someone but at the same time I don't want to. My voice comes out dry and lifeless today. I croak, to be exact. I see weird expressions I can't decipher. All morning the faces I see are uncharacteristic. I notice how foreign the faces are. It's weird when I think about it. I've seen these faces everyday. I know how they look like but today it's like I am looking at a different people. My boss' face looks smaller. His brows look bushier than usual. My officemate Syikin's eyes look smaller. Her lips are puffier.  She looks leaner. The planner next to me, Nazmi, his hair is parted differently today. It's still on the same side but it just looks so different. I'm not even that attentive to things around me. I feel like I'm not in my usual space. I feel out of place. You know what's the worst thing is? I keep smelling that tom yum soup I ate last night. I sniff around, maybe the smell is on my shirt but it's not. It lingers around, not clutching to anything. It never leaves.

I'm jotting down everything I feel right now for future reference. If you manage to meet a therapist one day, show them this. This is what you feel right now. This is the torture you're going through.

Something bad is about to happen. I feel it in my bones.

Adieu

Recurring Episode: The Knot In My Chest

Every time I spiral into my dark thoughts, about self values and inexplicable hatred towards everything; I can feel a knot growing deep inside. I told my sister, I'm doing just fine. Don't you worry about me. I've survived this for decades. I can get over it somehow.

The first thing I notice is my insatiable need to buy things. I feel like I need to somehow suppress the vile thoughts seeping through my brain by creating a temporary happiness. The easiest way to achieve that is by buying things. It is excruciating. I know that I don't need those things. I understand that it is a temporary urge but it is hard to fight. The urge would immediately cease to exist once the episode ends. But until then, it's like one item after another. With every purchase I manage to delay the numbness from spreading further.

 But the numbness continues to spread despite the delay. There were whispers. Not quite audible but like a feeling. Something come and go at random moments.

"I suck at this"

"I mean nothing"

"There's nothing in life that can make me happy"

"My existence is a lie"

"I don't deserve this life"

Every waking moment, the knot grow larger, fed by my endless self pity. I can't bring myself to talk to my loved ones. I don't want them to notice the darkness that is growing inside me. The colors in my face fade from day to day. No matter how much rouge I dust on my cheeks, they're never pink enough. No matter how many time I apply my favorite lipstick, they seem dull on me.

I am reduced to my worst look. Have I always been this ugly? Oh my God, I am really really fat. Oh my God, my nose is enormous. Oh look at those whiteheads. I'm disgusting.

At random hours I would feel like I need to cry that very instant. I feel like throwing up. The knot manage to push the air out of my chest, it manage to raise my tummy contents to my throat. It's hard to ignore my breathing and heartbeats. At times I feel ending them so that I don't have to hear them so loudly.

What first feels like a phantom numbness now feels very real. My forearm feels numb, throbbing but unmoving. I don't know how to explain it. I used to scratch it frequently just to chase away the nothingness I feel. Now I try to ignore it. But it turns into something worse. At my worst hour, my jaw tighten, instantly I feel immense pain on my face, in particular along my jaw. It's like somebody bashed my face with a baseball bat. The pain in jaw usually comes with a sharp pain in my chest as if somebody sticks a knife through it. It usually last around 2 to 3 minutes but it's getting longer as I keep fighting it. It comes and go. There's no definite time or place to trigger it. It just happen.

I don't know how but one day I woke up and all the darkness disappear. The knot in me becomes unravel. I feel lighter. Everything seems so beautiful. For a brief moment, all the pain I suffered feels worth it. My life had never been so beautiful. But it too disappear into nothingness. I go back to my normal self. Nothing too extreme. Until the cycle starts again and the knot grow larger and larger until in unravel itself.

My life is a ticking bomb and it pains me to go through it over and over again.

Adieu

Kei In Motion

Yesterday was productive. I managed to do a simple animation of Kei on Clip Studio Paint. Although it's a short animation, I am swelling with pride. The animation is made up of 20 frames, each carefully drawn in sequence.

I'm looking forward to doing more animation in the future. You know.. Just for fun.

Adieu

The Thing About Malay Language

In Malay we have two common 1st person pronouns which are "Aku" and "Saya". But if you go to Terengganu and listen to how we speak you would notice that some of us use the word "Ambe" instead of "Aku" or "Saya". Lately, "Saya" is more commonly use. "Ambe" is usually used by older generation and sometimes only used within a certain group of speakers. I myself don't use "Ambe" that much for my dialect has been watered down by standard Malay.

"Ambe" is derived from the word "Hamba" and it is used to refer to a singular first person speaker. Back in the olden days, "Hamba" was used widely as the 1st person pronoun. If I'm not mistaken and correct me if I do, only Terengganu and Kelantan dialect still retain the use of word "Hamba" in daily conversation.

Now you might think, "What? Why are these people still use such an outdated and degrading word? Why not use "saya"? That is less degrading".

Well, you should know that "Saya" and "Hamba" bring about the same meaning. "Saya" is originated from the word "Sahaya" which translated to "slave". The word "Sahaya" itself is used in conjunction with the word "Hamba" to enforce its meaning. Pronunciation and spelling of words change with time; therefore, "ha" in "sahaya" is dropped to form a shorter word "saya".

Why not use "aku" instead?

In most Asian languages, there is level of politeness that needs to be observed when speaking. It is not as stringent as it is for the Korean speakers, but Malay do still preserves some level of politeness when speaking to different class of people. In formal setting, "Saya" is most commonly used while "Aku" is reserved for when speaking to someone close to you or when speaking politeness is not observed.

Let's go back to "Saya" and "Ambe". By using these words, it doesn't mean that you refer yourself as a slave. The word "Hamba" and "Sahaya" are used in the context of servant. When you speak to someone, you are serve your listener by communicating with them. It shows that you are keenly and politely communicating with them. This also shows that you place a certain amount of respect to them. This is because, Malay, as a culture, emphasizes courtesy in every activity. This is apparent even after hundreds of years, Malay still maintain this conduct in mean of language.

So why am I writing about this?
No reason. I just want to.

Adieu

It comes to me..

.. like a violent wave.

I don't know how to better explain it. I suddenly feel so empty. So talentless. So separated from reality. It feels like I'm suddenly thrown into this big mass of nothingness. I want to draw. I draw pretty well lately. But I feel like it's slipping away from me. My skill. All my efforts. I feel like it's being sucked off of me.

This is not because of anything. It's so sudden. And it confuses me because at this moment in time, I am happy but also empty. It's not sadness. It's not anger. It's close to apathy. I can't feel anything. I am emotionally numb. How do you not get numb?

At time like this I desperately search for something material, something physical to stop me from floating away in this shapeless fog. This is why I spend so much money on literally anything. Food, gadgets, games.. But nothing can pin me down.

Please. I need an anchor. Hold me. I don't want to be taken away. Don't let the wave take me away.

Help me.

I can't feel anything.

Adieu

Accumulation of Hate

Hi there,

Let's have a rant session on a Monday morning. During the weekend, something happened on instagram. As most of you know, I am more active on instagram these days.

So what happened was, one aspiring comic instagrammer posted a screenshot of this guy accusing her of copying another famous comic artist. Now this is not the first time she heard such accusation. Many of her loyal followers supported her by leaving positive comments on her post. Things got quieter for a bit. And suddenly she posted another rant saying that she's quitting drawing comics. At first I was like, "What?? Because of that one comment yesterday??"

Oh I was wrong. Rather than on the instagram, she received another not-so-nice comment on her Facebook page. To some the comment might not seem so much but to her, after her being vocal about it on instagram many times before, it was the last straw. Some commented that she should have just ignored the guy. That he did nothing malicious. That it was just one comment. Heck, personally, I once had the same opinion.

But then things got deeper. It's not just one comment. There were like three similar comment calling her unoriginal, that she copied others. Though done in the most playful way, the motive was clear. And mind you, she had just stepped out of a long hiatus due to, you've guessed it, those same comments. She had since settled the differences between her and the commenters. They posted an apology to her which she had accepted. However, she would still be quitting comic instagraming.

Now what I want to highlight is not about those three people that drove a talented artist to an early retirement (it's her wish not to press the thing further) but rather on the issue of thinking that it's okay to send hate comment on a whim.

Hate comment is never okay. And thinking that it is harmless because you only posted one comment is wrong. The thing is, you think that it's just one comment but the receiver is receiving tonnes other "only one comment". If everyone shares the same logic that one comment is harmless, can you imagine how many more hate comment is going to pop out? Hate comment is a collection. Even one comment from you, no matter how trivial, is going to be lump together on a scale, everyday growing until the receiver had enough of it and quit.

So my advise is this. If you don't like something..
Ignore it.
You hate someone for no reason other than pure hate..
Block him/her.

If you dislike something, just stay away from it. Pack you thing and leave. Just leave and don't look back. burn all your connection with it. Be free. When you are free, it would be easier to not leave a hate comment.

And if you think you can't ignore it, just face it. Respectfully voice out your opinion. Settle things once and for all. And after that, leave. Never return.

Adieu

Wish Granted

Hi guise,

We are nearing the end of 2017. I feel like the year went by especially fast this time around. Today is actually my last day of work for 2017 because I am taking a week off till new year. I want to end 2017 with a positive note.

My small achievement this year is to tick everything on my wishlist. I don't remember when I set that wishlist but no matter.

Look at those beautiful checked boxes!!


I had my Wacom Bamboo ticked from the inception of the list. My mom bought it for me years back. It brought colour into my life. A drawing tablet is probably the best thing my mom had ever bought me. Well.. the car too but that's an old story.

I didn't buy the PSP. At that time I thought, hey PS3 is better. But I kinda regretted it a bit now because I can't take it everywhere with  me. Still, PS3 has been a great addition to my entertainment arsenal.

I had always wanted to own a bean bag. A big one that can fit two grown adults. I bought one last month. It was nothing like I expected. My sister probably loves it more than I do. My favorite thing to do with it is to drag it to the veranda at dawn, iced drink in hand, get sunk into the bag watching the sunset.

Back then I wanted a smart TV. Idk why but the idea stuck with me. I guess I wanted my house to feel more homely though I'm not particularly keen on watching one. Instead of a Smart Tv, my dad gave me a flatscreen. He said he didn't like it for what ever reason. The TV is in a bad condition now. Maybe I need to buy a new one.

The last one is my biggest wish. I wanted to buy 22HD but due to price hike, it seems impossible to own one. I settled for 13HD. It did make a huge dent in my account but so worth it.

I'm drafting a new wishlist. Having a wishlist helped me focus more on what I want. It can me tad bit motivational at times:-

1) A drawing software
To be exact Clip Studio Paint. I've always wanted to legally own a drawing software as a way to support the developer. I had my eyes fixed on Adobe Photoshop. But Adobe's license is on monthly subscription basis and it is SUPER PRICEY!! I settle for the next best thing. Though I had my bias back then on Manga Studio (Now rebranded as Clip Studio Paint), I do think that the software offers the most in term of comic making. Easy dialogue placing, toning, you name it. I placed an order for CSP Ex last week. Hopefully it will reach my hand in perfect condition by next week.

2) New Fridge
My current refrigerator has served me for 5 years. The light is no longer working. It's too small for three people. I'm planning to get a new one by April. Hopefully I can get the best deal.

3) An Ipad Pro
I just want one. Just because. But I don't know when. I haven't had any plan on how to buy one. Idk. We'll see how it goes.

4) A bed
You might think, "why ..bed is the easiest thing to get". They're not that pricey. IKEA has a few cheap ones. I already have a mattress. Bed shouldn't be a problem, right? WRONG! Do you know how hard it is to find a SUPER SINGLE WOODEN BED? You don't. It's hard! And pricey. So, yeah.

I might need to do some research because I don't have an idea on what more to get. Oh well. That's it I guess

Adieu