Wish Granted

Friday, December 22, 2017

Hi guise,

We are nearing the end of 2017. I feel like the year went by especially fast this time around. Today is actually my last day of work for 2017 because I am taking a week off till new year. I want to end 2017 with a positive note.

My small achievement this year is to tick everything on my wishlist. I don't remember when I set that wishlist but no matter.

Look at those beautiful checked boxes!!

I had my Wacom Bamboo ticked from the inception of the list. My mom bought it for me years back. It brought colour into my life. A drawing tablet is probably the best thing my mom had ever bought me. Well.. the car too but that's an old story.

I didn't buy the PSP. At that time I thought, hey PS3 is better. But I kinda regretted it a bit now because I can't take it everywhere with  me. Still, PS3 has been a great addition to my entertainment arsenal.

I had always wanted to own a bean bag. A big one that can fit two grown adults. I bought one last month. It was nothing like I expected. My sister probably loves it more than I do. My favorite thing to do with it is to drag it to the veranda at dawn, iced drink in hand, get sunk into the bag watching the sunset.

Back then I wanted a smart TV. Idk why but the idea stuck with me. I guess I wanted my house to feel more homely though I'm not particularly keen on watching one. Instead of a Smart Tv, my dad gave me a flatscreen. He said he didn't like it for what ever reason. The TV is in a bad condition now. Maybe I need to buy a new one.

The last one is my biggest wish. I wanted to buy 22HD but due to price hike, it seems impossible to own one. I settled for 13HD. It did make a huge dent in my account but so worth it.

I'm drafting a new wishlist. Having a wishlist helped me focus more on what I want. It can me tad bit motivational at times:-

1) A drawing software
To be exact Clip Studio Paint. I've always wanted to legally own a drawing software as a way to support the developer. I had my eyes fixed on Adobe Photoshop. But Adobe's license is on monthly subscription basis and it is SUPER PRICEY!! I settle for the next best thing. Though I had my bias back then on Manga Studio (Now rebranded as Clip Studio Paint), I do think that the software offers the most in term of comic making. Easy dialogue placing, toning, you name it. I placed an order for CSP Ex last week. Hopefully it will reach my hand in perfect condition by next week.

2) New Fridge
My current refrigerator has served me for 5 years. The light is no longer working. It's too small for three people. I'm planning to get a new one by April. Hopefully I can get the best deal.

3) An Ipad Pro
I just want one. Just because. But I don't know when. I haven't had any plan on how to buy one. Idk. We'll see how it goes.

4) A bed
You might think, "why ..bed is the easiest thing to get". They're not that pricey. IKEA has a few cheap ones. I already have a mattress. Bed shouldn't be a problem, right? WRONG! Do you know how hard it is to find a SUPER SINGLE WOODEN BED? You don't. It's hard! And pricey. So, yeah.

I might need to do some research because I don't have an idea on what more to get. Oh well. That's it I guess


State of Mind

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Dream is fascinating. I oppose the idea of prophetic dream. No dream can tell what tomorrow's gonna be like. But I do believe in dream being the mirror to the caster's state of mind. Dream brings out the deepest feeling one can have, especially fear.

Last night I had a terrible dream.

My boss was mad at my department. Due to a mistake by one of our team members, he sacked us all. Not only that we got fired from our job, we were forced to go back to secondary school. What made it worse was that it was a private school and the teachers were incompetent. Thinking back, I don't think I saw any teacher at the school. It was like a prison. We were gathered in one room, wearing the typical school uniform waiting for something. No books, no teacher. We sat there with the other kids doing nothing. So I decided to ditch school and beg for my job back.

Escaping the premise was more difficult than I thought. Nobody was chasing me but there was a constant feeling of looming danger. I managed to escape, leaving a few who followed me. I went to mamak nearby because it's late in the evening and nobody was at work. Suddenly my husband came and sat next to me. (Yes, my husband. I don't know why but that's just how dream works. If it tells you that the guy next to you is your husband, he is your husband). He said something I couldn't recall. The last thing I remembered was me shouting on top of my lungs, "But I have a Degree!!!"

So what do we derive from this dream?
1) I'm in constant fear of being fired and that my credentials are no longer valid for the industry.
2) I couldn't stand triviality and nonsensical situation; sitting in a classroom not learning anything
3) I need someone to sit with me in public, talk to me

So those are my current fear..


The State of Relationship

Thursday, October 26, 2017

You know how telling your facebook post can be?

They are meant for you to express yourself, yes. But you can be more tactful about it. Honestly.. How bad is the communication between you and your husband that you need to tag him to a Buzzfeed post to let him know that you feel under appreciated? Can't you just tell him during one of your mating ritual? 

"Abang, don't look at other girls because it makes me sad" instead of tagging him to "10 things you do that breaks the heart of your loved ones".

Fucking talk to your spouse! You share bed at night for God's sake.

Ohh.. your spouse is cheating on you? Sure.. give us all the details.. All the whatsapp screenshots.. Sure, subtext all you want. "Perempuan tak ada maruah adalah perempuan yang tahu orang tu dah berbini tapi still nak menggatal dengan laki orang". "Dah ada bini tu buatlah cara ada bini." Post everything every hour because we really want to know how you end up divorcing your spouse over the internet. Cheers, mate.

And not everybody want to watch every cesarean operation you can find on Facebook. We get it. You had cesarean. Yes, good for you. You're a brave woman. "Hargailah pengorbanan isteri anda". God damn, what kind of man you marry that you have to remind him that you had his baby in the most metal way every day? Why don't you just print the snapshop of the gory fest and paste it all over your bedroom. I bet that's a good way to slow down the sex life. But hey.. I don't know. Your man might get hard looking at those things. Who knows?  

And oh good Lord. Don't let me start on people who shares Kamasutras on Facebook. Why? Yeah. we know, you guys had sex. Sure. But do you have to advertise how kinky you want your sexual adventure to be? Talk to your spouse!!!! Not through Facebook. But face to face. "Hey lets fuck like crazy tonight". You're married!!! Go nuts about it. Just not on facebook. FUCKKKKK!!!!!

Sometimes I wonder. Are you married only on the internet? Your sex life, your labour, your scandals, your fights.. Even your sorry attempt to cook.. Sure, post all the singgang photos you took. What a great cook you are. Everything had to be documented on the facebook. From the day your husband successful marries you with one lafaz, until the day you had enough and post 10 pages worth of luahan hati on Konfesyen-Rumah-Tangga-Page-whateverfuckthatis.. Tell everyone everything. Because your married life is so interesting oh my god.

The worst thing about all of this is you can't unfriend these people because it's gonna awkward on the next family reunion.


Travel Read : Murakami, Tolstoy, Oscar Wilde

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

I'm not a reader. Not someone who would spend hours on books on daily basis. I lack persistence. One thing I'm good at is reading in a moving car. And I get bored easily. Usually I would whip out my smartphone, read something random online. But I've bought way too many books and read too little, so why not go back to classic bounded papers? 

Travelling back to Terengganu is not as tedious as it was few years back. 4 hours on the road is bearable. But it's 4 hours of staring at nothing but asphalt and the repetitive roadside greenery. Oh.. I hate expressway. So I brought 4 books with me, hoping I would somehow manage to finish them during the long holiday.

Margery Kempe: How To Be a Medieval Woman

I had high hope for this one. It's only 125 pages long and the Penguin Classics are always nice to hold. I'm a sucker for a pocket sized literature. The title is intriguing, don't you think? I at least thought so. But it was a dull read, like reading a diary of your very religious cousin hoping to find some delicious secret to gossip about during family gathering only to find her same holier-than-thou facade bleeding through her most intimate writing. It was uninteresting and tiresome. I finished reading it in two days.

 Oscar Wilde: Only Dull People Are Brilliant at Breakfast

It's a collection of Oscar Wilde's quotes. An interesting read but I prefer books with some narratives thrown into them. Still, brilliant words from a brilliant writer. It should be titled as "Sass by Sass Master Oscar Wilde be Wilding". I should really get a copy of "The Picture of Dorian Gray". I kinda know the theme but the way he used his word is too intriguing to pass.

Leo Tolstoy: How Much Land Does A Man Need?
Hmm.. what a familiar name, eh? That was what I thought when I vetted through this copy. I know I heard that name somewhere. Tolstoy.. Tolstoy.. I'm sure he's written something famous. So this book is actually a compilation of two short stories; "How Much Land Does A Man Need?" and "What Men Live By". A light read. Interesting and profound. I adore short stories and this man is amazing. I would definitely get more of his work. Anna Karenina, anyone?

Haruki Murakami: Sputnik Sweetheart
"Oh Murakami is overrated"
No he's not. 
A master on his own standard. What a sweetheart this work has been for me. I'm not going to spoil anything about this book. Delightful. Unlike Kafka on The On The Shore, I actually read through this in one sitting, holding my breath to know what comes next. And as always, Murakami always manages to make me feel emotionally constipated. He never ends his story where we want it to end. Witty exchanges. A gist of mystery, nightmarish plight.. How to put it? Kafkaesque? I'm not sure if that's a correct term for it. Read it. Don't let it go unnoticed. Suffer with me.

That's it. That's all.. I really need to read more. 


Search Engine and You Should Use it

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

"There is no such thing as a stupid question"


True. Technically it's not a stupid question, it's a lazy question. Aku kerap share barang-barang yang aku rasa menarik. Dari barang-barang seni sampai la barang-barang kosmetik. Makanan pun kerap aku share. It's just my way to appreciate good quality/service.

Tapi setiap kali aku share, mesti aku dapat soalan bangang. Aku cakap bangang sebab benda tak payah tanya. Contohnya, aku share satu jenis pencuci muka ni. Finelah, mungkin aku tak listkan harga satu-satu, bagitau mana nak beli dan kulit muka apa yang sesuai dengan produk tu, tapi try la baca comment-comment yang dah berbalas kat atas tu. Dan kalau kau tak jumpa jawapan yang kau cari, apa kata Google? Yes! Google. It's an amazing thing.

Berbanding taip soalan panjang-panjang kat comment section aku "Produk tu semua nye untuk 'all skin type' ke?" better ko search terus kat google ke yahoo ke takpun paling cikai, Bing. Kata kuncinya [Garden of Eden] [skin type] . Kurang sikit tenaga dihabiskan untuk menaip. Terus dapat result. Jangan malas nak scroll artikel mana yang berkaitan. Aku menyampah dengan soalan pemalas macam sebab aku tak dibayar untuk menjawab soalan-soalan macam ni.

Dulu pernah aku promote satu kedai perkakas melukis ni. Kedai tu agak unik sebab ada jual artist grade fine art material. Dalam post tu aku dah mention nama shopping complex tu siap detailkan lagi escalator mana nak ambik untuk cepat sampai. Ko boleh tanya aku "shopping complex tu kat mana". Arghhh... Google laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Maps kan ada. Ko bajet kalau ko tanya camtu senang ke nak terangkan. Kan kalau search kat maps terus keluar siap dengan arah jalan dan mek salleh lagi yang akan guide ko sampai ke destinasi. Apa ke susah sangat ke nak paham konsep teknologi ni?

Satu lagi aku menyampah, "tu apps apa?"
Time aku live drawing, dengan nama programme terpampang besar kat penjuru kiri. Paint Tool Sai Paint Tool Sai PAINT TOOL SAI!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's not an apps. Berapa kali la nak cakap? Masalah betul budak-budak yang kenal phone je. Semua benda pun tibai apps.

"Macam mana terer lukis?" - masa kecik dulu aku suka gusti dengan kerbau. Satu hari kerbau tu pijak tangan aku dan terus patah. Lepas tangan aku sembuh, aku terus terer melukis. Alhamdulillah mujur ada pamoga.

"Sejak bila pandai lukis" - Aku dilahirkan dengan seketul tablet. DNA aku telah dirangka supaya boleh melukis dengan baik sejak kecik. Safe to say that I am good at drawing even before I was born.

"Bila nak kawen?" - Apa kena mengena dengan kau aku kawen bila? Ko bajet aku nak jemput kau ke?


The Thing About Engagement

Monday, August 07, 2017

OK, I'm not trying to shade anyone

Aku ada seorang kenalan. Baru-baru ni dia bertunang dengan pilihan hati. Kawan dah lama, alhamdulillah tahun ni mengikat janji. Aku agak tertarik dengan pilihan tarikh pertunangan mereka yang jatuh pada hari lahir lelaki dan tarikh langsungnya pada hari lahir perempuan. Aii.. berjanji ke? Bagus ni. Takdelah lupa wedding anniversary dan tarikh lahir pasangan masing-masing.

Aku cakap " Pandai awak pilih tarikh. Boleh celebrate birthday sekali"

Sambil gelak dia jawab "Sebenarnya nak buat majlis bertunang tu lebih awal. Duit tak cukup. Tapi sekarang dah alang-alang dapat harga promosi pelamin dan catering murah, tu yang buat majlis. Lucky."

OK tamat part kawan aku. Aku bukan nak cakap pasal dia tapi pasal adat bertunang alaf baru ni. Sampai ada pelamin dan catering bagai. Tapi takpelah. Duit orang. Bukan duit aku. Apa salahnya mak ayah berhabis kalau mak ayah tak kesah ye dak? Tapi sejak bila majlis bertunang pun sampai macam majlis kahwin? Ada pelamin, ada catering besar-besaran. Pulak tu ada pengusaha sewa pelamin further encourage this neo adat.

Kalau dulu majlis tunang tak ada pun bakal pengantin lelaki bersegak bergambar atas pelamin. Siap tengkolok lagi. Hebat sungguh. Pastu viral dekat ig, dekat facebook. Pertunangan itu kan eloknya dirahsiakan, pernikahan itu yang diwar-warkan.

Aku rasa orang kita cukup cenderung berhabis untuk benda yang tak perlu. Baru majlis tunang dah bergolok gadai. Belum walimatulurus lagi. 

"Ko dengki kan Day? Ntah-ntah nanti giliran ko, lagi meriah dari tu ko buat"

Ni bukan pasal dengki iri hati. Tapi aku rasa orang sekarang dah keliru dengan adat sendiri. Majlis pertunangan adalah majlis antara dua keluarga. Bukan sampai dengan kawan-kawan semua pun tutut berjamu. Yang paling pincang adalah bakal pengantin lelaki pun sama naik. Dulunya mak bakal pengantinlah watak utama.. Sekarang dah advance.. Rileks la. Time kawen nanti pakai la sampai tujuh persalinan pun. Time bertunang ni sabar dulu wahai jejaka.

I don't where I'm going with this.


All the Money In The World

Friday, July 07, 2017

Berangan adalah percuma, maka marilah berangan,

If I have unlimited money in my disposal, things I wanna BUY are:

1) A studio apartment, professionally designed to cater for both my career and hobby. (basically means that I wanna have a compact office/studio at home)
2) Upgrade hardware; Cintiq 27QHD, iMac pro, Canon Pixma iP8720 Inkjet Printer, Canon LiDE 220 flatbed scanner
3) Upgrade software: Licensed softwares (Photoshop, MonoSnap, Autodesk, Primavera etc)
4) Artist grade art supplies.
5) Full collection of art textbook and anatomy reference book.
6) A bath tub

image from Miranda Brooks

Darren Yeow's workplace from tumblr

Can I have a butler too, please? Oh and guys, if I do have this, you can lepak at my house and do art all day long.. On weekends of course.

Fun notes: I love my digital work place to be dark and brooding while my traditional art studio to be well lit by natural light.
No printers, just fax: No room is ever big enough for creativity.


post note: I really need to tidy up my room

Art Supply Collector : Watercolour Brush

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Aku pengumpul. Rasanya ramai dah tahu tapi aku kena gak bagitau sebab, kumpul dan terer pakai ni dua benda yang sangat berbeza.

Terbaru koleksi aku banyak menjurus ke arah perkakas cat air. Dulu kumpul water brush sekarang aku dah sedikit berani nak pakai traditional paintbrush. Aku tak arif sangat berkenaan berus-berus ni tapi berdasarkan pemahaman aku yang tak seberapa, boleh la aku kongsikan sikit.

Berus cat air ni ada banyak jenis (duh). Dari segi bentuknya, aplikasi, material dan lain-lain lagi lah. Dari segi bentuk aku personally kategorikan berus cat air kepada dua jenis, flat dan round brush. Aku tak pakai flat brush. A bit intimidating to me. Aku pakai round brush. SO aku akan bincang pasal round brush sahaja.

Dari segi material berus cat air ni terbahagi kepada 3 jenis (at least. Of course korang boleh micro categorize lagi tapi ni personal view aku)

Type 1: Water brush

Waterbrush ni memang versatile. Bagi yang baru nak berjinak dengan cat air, sama ada pakai cake form ataupun tube form, aku syorkan pakai waterbrush. Waterbrush ada small water reservoir dalam body dia. Cara pakai pun senang. Kena belajar control air dalam reservoir tu. Kebaikan waterbrush ni ko tak payah bawak water container untuk mixing atau untuk washing. Perfect for travelling watercolour journalist.

Apa yang membezakan sesuatu brand adalah water stopper dan brush material dia. Water stopper memastikan air tak tumpah dari reservoir kalau tak dipicit. Kan susah nak kaler kalau air asyik dripping uncontrollably. Memandangkan aku cuma pernah try 3 brand, mungkin aku bukanlah orang yang tepat untuk bagi contoh stopper yang bagus atau tak.

Untuk brush material pulak, kebanyakan waterbrush pakai sintetik hair sebab sintetik hair lebih tahan air, tak mudah rosak kalau terendam lama. Kalau dah nama waterbrush, of course la manjang je basahnya. Semua waterbrush aku pakai sintetik hair.

Sakura Brush - free brush masa beli Koi Watercolour. Least favourite brush. Air dia susah control. Tapi bagus untuk illustrasi yang besar. Aku banyak lukis illustrasi yang kecik dan detail so brush ni memang tak kena ngan aku.

Derwent Brush - Macam yang aku bagitau tadi, aku banyak kaler benda detail. Fine brush No.1 dia memang terbaik untuk mewarna benda-benda kecik. Masalah dia, tengah syok-syok kaler dia start dripping. Tak teruk pun but it caught you of guard sometimes.

Kuretake Fude Waterbrush - Hands down, my favorite child. Fine brush dia tak sehalus Derwent No.1 tapi brush hair dia lebih pendek which means, better control. Untuk medium size area, brush ni memang best pakai. Reservoir yang paling mudah nak control.

So ni tiga waterbrush yang aku personally pakai. Berus ni la yang memperkenalkan aku pada the joy of watercoloring. Super easy to maintain, durable and dependable. Whip out one of these and you're good to go. Aku siapkan Journal India aku entirely using waterbrush. Great time..

Tapi lama-lama rasa la nak try berus lain pulak, ye dak? Which brings us to..

Type 2 : Synthetic Hair

Sintetik brush adalah berus yang paling senang nak dapat dan murah. Kalau rosak, sekejap je dah boleh ganti. Aku rasa semua orang yang pernah dipaksa mewarna guna Buncho zaman sekolah dulu mesti dah pernah pakai berus ni. Mak ayah pun lebih selesa beli berus sintetik sebab yakin suci. Tak campur berus babi. Gittew. Personally aku hanya guna sintetik brush untuk bersihkan mixing plate dan untuk apply masking fluid. Selain dari dua tugas ni, memang aku tak percaya nak pakai. Tapi ni depends jugak brand apa yang ko pakai. Kalau pakai Windsor & Newton, sintetik brush dia berkualiti dan ada jugak yang mix dengan natural hair so confident la sikit nak pakai untuk apply colour. Macam berlagak gila ayat tak suka pakai sintetik brush. In my defense, aku beli sintetik brush yang kualiti tak berapa cantik. Jaga pun sambil lewa. Sebab tu la hasil dia pun tak lawa.

Type 3: Natural Hair

Berus cat air diperbuat dari berbagai jenis bulu. Bulu kambing, babi, kuda, musang dan sebagainya. The most expensive ones are made from Kolinsky, a type of mink native to Western Russia. Binatang ni macam musang pandan la lebih kurang. Ewah lebih kurang. To be honest aku tak tau binatang ni dipanggil apa dalam bahasa melayu.

The smallest Raphael Kolinsky could easily cost you RM60 (more or less. Lupa harga dia). Winsor & Newton Series 7 Gift Set (3 brushes) cost you a whooping RM300. Kalau tak silap aku Series 7 is the most expensive Kolinsky brush. Agaknya natang weasel tu makan dedak mahal kot tu yang mahal. Lebih besar saiz berus tu lebih mahal harganya. So kepada yang minat sable hair brushes, good luck.

Apa yang bagus sangat dengan sable hair ni sampai harga minta pelempang? First of all, anything natural is expensive. Especially when the material is only native to a certain part of the world and had been hyped as the best for centuries. Secondly, sable brushes are usually assembled by hand, strand by strand. It is labor intensive and quality controlled environment. Can you blame them for pricing it so high? Lastly, the quality and demand.

From my observation, the sable brush could retain a lot of liquid in it. The brush springs back easy retaining it's shape easily after each wash. Bila berus tu boleh kekalkan bentuk dengan baik, takde la berus tu bercabang-cabang sampai stroke pun jadi tebal dan tak sekata. 

Selain Kolinsky, ada orang cadangkan aku untuk try goat hair. Bagus untuk heavy wash. But I don't do heavy wash so I'm still thinking about it. 

Sebelum aku tutup entry ni aku nak tekankan sesuatu. Doing art is not about having the most expensive tools. It's about finding what best suit you. Ada orang boleh hasilkan artwork yang lawa gila bila pakai water brush tapi bila switch ke natural brush terus tak selawa pakai water brush and vice versa. It all comes down to how you interact with the tools you have. I for one prefer A4 paper 80 gsm when doing watercolor instead of the sturdy 300 gsm cold pressed cotton paper. Other than warping. printing paper is amazing! And unlike many watercolor enthusiasts, I prefer hot pressed paper than the cold pressed ones. So again.. It's not about the price. It's what suit your style. What suit others might not suit you. Stop comparing your art with others. Instead compare it with your own artwork and see the difference the tools make.

I don't want to sound conceited when talking about tools. As I said in my opening, I am a collector. Being a collector doesn't make me an expert but it does open up opportunity to try more tools. To those who knows me, I don't shy away from letting people try my collection be it brushes, markers or papers. Because it's never about proving I'm better for having these tools. It's about trying new things and sharing my feelings about them.

So that's it. I hope you learn something from this sharing. Best of luck in your endeavor. Keep on doing things that makes you happy.



Friday, April 07, 2017

Just because you have suffered before doesn't mean you can undermine others' suffering. Why do you concern yourself so much about other people when they clearly don't need you? Who makes you the center of universe? Stop giving yourself so much credit. Life moves on even without you. Probably moves even better without your criticism. 

People hurt.
People get hurt.
That's their building block, the thing that shape them into the person they are now.
That's what makes us so different.
The way we perceive things.
The way we react to things.

Your definition of happiness does not apply to everyone.
Why do you think your definition of sadness does?
Emotional stress is not measured in numbers.. It's unique to everyone. Give them space to cope with their struggle. You're definitely not helping them by crying "I can help you, why are you rejecting me?"

They push you away because you are an entitled piece of shit.

Let them recover.
Let me recover.

If I need you, I'll reach out to you. Only then it's your choice whether or not to extend your hand. Why are you feeling sorry for me? I achieved so much in life. What I feel, what I choose to tell  you don't form a complete story of who I truly am.

In other words..

Fuck off

I Really Hate You

Saturday, April 01, 2017

I come to realize that I hate everyone that has my personality.

My know-it-all pretense to mask my ignorance on how to become a functional human being.
My obsession with looking fine and fitting into society because deep down I never belong anywhere.
My judgmental view on everything that stemmed from my need for validation. What I wear. What I buy. What I talk about. Validate me. Tell me I'm great. Tell me I'm the best because the lie I tell myself is not sufficient.

So no! I wasn't talking about you. Unfortunately, I was talking about me. It's a form of self-loathe. Maybe you haven't heard of that before because you're so in love with who you are or who you led people to think you are.

Oh fuck. I did it again. I do that. I am the one who's so in love with idea of me. I am the own who pretend to be everything. Who the fuck am I in this world? Do I love myself? Do I hate myself? Make up your mind, god damn it.

Why am I acting this way? I don't want you to form an opinion about me. Because I know.. I know I'm flawed. I hate myself for being flawed. Oh God I hate this dark cloud in my head. Am I sick? Give me something to treat it.. Or a poison to kill it.

Some days I feel like stabbing my thigh just to get out of this numb shell..

I'm A YOYO on A Scale

Friday, March 31, 2017

I was born the prettiest among my sisters. My skin was the fairest. I was the tallest among my cousins. 
(Demn.. Aku rasa macam patut padam opening statement ni.. )
I was thin once.

I weighed barely 50kg when I was growing up. I would say I look my best when I was 46kg. The look on people face when they realize I was wearing my youngest sister's shirt who was 7 at the time was priceless. And I loved dressing up. I loved make up.

But people didn't know how messed up I was. They didn't see it waaay back then. When I was 13, I used to throw up after every meal. At first I forced it but soon it came naturally. I ate like a pig and forced it all out within 10 minutes. There was always that unpleasant sour taste in my mouth. I was constantly hungry. My gum bled frequently. Not just during morning brush. I used to gross my cousins out by sucking on my gum to make it bleed. It bled so easily you see. And my mouth either taste like sour milk or copper or a combination of both.

And the acid reflux. God the acid reflux. I had gastric on a daily basis. I was somewhat obsessed with my weight. One time I heard about my younger cousin weighing 38 kg and I was determined to lose as much. So when I got fever, I thought it was the perfect time to lose a few kilos to hit below 40kg. And I succeeded. Deep down I knew it was unhealthy. I was not stupid. If anything I was considered brilliant among my peers. I knew I shouldn't go below 40kg. That was insane.

I don't remember when but I think it was on some science text book back in secondary school that I learned the word anorexia. Was I anorexic? But I was fine. Aside from my post-meal ritual and gastric, I was doing fine. So I thought. The signs were there. I hate looking at the mirror, despite being thin and 'in shape' at the time. When I looked into the mirror I saw a chubby girl with jiggly cheeks and and big thighs. I hate the sight.

Only after I saw a photo of mine, taken in my camisole that I really noticed how skinny I was. I don't remember how much I weigh at the time of the photo. And at that time people were more concerned about my sister being a bit on the chubbier side than me being a living walking skeleton. Or maybe they just didn't see it underneath my school uniform (I was in religious school. I wore loose clothing and big long hijab)

So I snapped out of it. It wasn't easy but I wasn't just fighting my take on body image at the time. I had other issues too that made it irrelevant. Made it seemed easier than my other demons.

I let myself go, big time. I was okay with it. I first hit 45 kg when I was 18 years old. How did I know this? I remember this because I forced feed myself to reach that weight so that I'm eligible for a blood donation. Gram said I looked much better with some meat in me. I felt great. I didn't think too much of it. But then came the next phase in life. My metabolism dropped. I started to gain weight. Little by little. It hit the hardest after a break up. Food was my only comfort. I was never good at opening up to my family. I had this belief that I had to be the strongest, I had to be reliable. So when I lost the people I love in life, I didn't show it to my family. Mum used to say that I was a tough kid growing up.

But I was dying inside and I refuse to talk to anyone. And I kept throwing shit into my body. My weight sprung from 50 kg to 60 kg in two months. And it had been increasing steadily over the year. I weigh around 70-75kg in recent years. I don't weigh myself anymore.

I kept telling myself, hey it's your body. Whether you're fat or skinny, if you're happy with how you look, why would it matter? A guy told me that I need to hit the gym. I was getting way out of shape he said. And I retorted jokingly that I love being fat. I don't care what people think. But who am I kidding. Of course I care. Yes, I fucking do.

I'm constantly conflicted between wanting to lose weight, getting back to the dating scene or just try my luck in men with my current image. Hey, guys who can't except you when you weigh 75kg don't deserves you at your 50kg! That is absolutely true. And it's not about wanting to look good for the guys.

I just had it with people pointing out my weight issue. Yeah I made fun of myself being fat. Yeah I seemed unfazed by the fat joke. But deep down I'm hurt. I hate it when people make fun of me. I used to be very conscious about my weight to a point that I hurt myself. I am 28 years old now. Not a 13-year-old. I don't want to be crippled by this issue anymore.

I just hope society would stop fat shaming people. Not even when the person themselves is making fun of themselves. Don't you know that every self directed joke is a stab to our declining confidence?

I don't know where I'm going with this. 

Honestly you can't see it..
This was how I dress and all the bones were sticking out underneath all that..

(Wait, this is not about bones or weight or shape or what ever. It's about how unhealthy it was for me to react to my 'imperfect' body by throwing up and how unhealthy it is still to over-eat every time I had my heart broken.
I hate this.
I hate this entry.
It makes me sound like an entitled little shit.
Do I think I look beautiful? Yes. I do.
But do I also think I look awful? Yes that too.
This is what's wrong with me. I can't explain what I think about myself. What I know is, I will always hate the skin I'm in. And I hate the soul that resides in it )


Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Seusia aku 28 tahun ni, baru sekali aku dapat bunga. Itu pun dari umi. Masa konvo dulu. Kenapa tak pernah dapat bunga, sebab aku bercinta time belajar. Budak-budak mana ada duit nak belikan bunga untuk awek. Apatah lagi bila awek tu selalu kata "Saya tak minat bunga"

Hakikatnya memang aku tak berapa minat bunga. Tak taksub dengan lawa bunga tu. Bau apatah lagi. Bunga zaman moden ni rupa je lawa, bau takde. (Siapa tangkap mesej mendalam yang aku cuba sampaikan? Hahaha)

Bunga ni cantik dia sekejap. Memang semua benda bernyawa sifatnya sementara. Waktu dia kembang mekarlah kita petik dia, simpan dia dalam pasu dalam rumah, kagumi kecantikannya. Bila dah layu, ke mana hilangnya nilai bunga tu? Kenapa bunga itu harus cantik, harus wangi? Supaya ada kumbang datang dekat dan bawa debunga liar untuk disenyawakan. Untuk menjadi buah. Untuk menyambung kelangsungan species. Itu tugas bunga.

Dan sesetengah manusia akan menyamakan tugas bunga dengan tugas perempuan. Untuk disunting, dinikmati kecantikannya dan untuk melahirkan anak penyambung legasi. Mungkin. Tapi tak semua perempuan ditakdirkan untuk melalui susur hidup macam tu. Ada bunga yang kembang mekar, disunting kumbang lalu membentuk buah yang masak ranum. Ada bunga yang disunting orang, jadi hiasan sementara di kamar beradu lalu layu hilang makna.

Aku bunga plastik, cantik tak setanding bunga asli. Harum tiada. Tempat singgahnya debu bukan kumbang.

Kadang-kadang aku gembira dengan status ni, kadang-kadang aku rasa sunyi dan terbeban. Dahla.. Kumbang yang aku nak pun dah pilih bunga lain. 

Kalau Kei wujud dalam dunia ni, aku rasa hari-hari aku dapat bunga..

Adieu Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan membaca entry ini. Silakanlah merapu di ruang komentari bersama saya. Yeaha~

p/s: Weyh aku bukan pondan weyh.. Jangan salah paham pulak

Soulmate Universe

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

-A prompt-

She sat there, caressing the wrinkled hands. She hummed in between sob. Her heart felt heavy. 66 years passed by in a blink and it was time to say good bye to each other.

Kay kissed the crown of Val's head. Her once golden locks turned grey with time. Val smiled weakly. Her eyes glistened to the far horizon. She ran her fingers on Kay's ever youthful fingers. There was not much time left.

"She'll be here. Hang on", Kay said, kissing her knuckles.

The sun was almost setting and with every blow of the wind, Val felt like her soul swept away with it. But Kay held her shoulder tight, head rested on the crook of her neck. Faster now, Kazu.

Kay spotted a lean figure running towards them, red roses in her hand, shoes on her other hand. Kazu was looking vibrant as ever. Her bangs was damp because of all that running. She dropped to her knees when she reached them.

"I'm sorry. I can't find the yellow ones" she said biting her lips as she stopped herself from crying yet again. Val smiled. All she did was smile and the tears came gushing from her two youthful friends.

"I think it's time" Val said weakly. Her breath hitched.

"Don't say that. " Kay wept.

"He's been waiting for me for so long. I can finally meet him again." she replied.

Kazu cupped Val's face in her trembling hands. The face has aged like how everyone should have. But there sat Kay and Kazu, untouched by time, youthful in their twenties. It was said that you can't age without a soulmate. Val met hers back in 2013. She had lost him in 2063. She loved and lived with him until they turned grey together. Cedric died of old age. To which Val had never recover. Her friends' love kept her alive for seven more years but her heart couldn't take it anymore. She longed for him. She missed him.

Kay and Kazu never had anyone. No one to call soulmate. But Val was close to be one. In their eyes, Val will forever be their golden treasure. Val's breath grew desperate. Kazu showered her with kisses. Kay was frozen in despair. She felt Val's body slumped heavier onto her and with a whisk of evening breeze, Val was no more.

They cried so much that day. Their heart was so broken that they stopped seeing each other for a long time. Val was buried next to her lover together with their friendship.

They next time they met each other, Kazu was already a grey woman, resting against her equally grey husband. She too was ready for the next life. Kazu kissed Kay's cheek, tasting the salty tears on her youthful skin.

"I'm so worried about you" she said and Kay chuckled in her cry.

"Say hi to Val for me. Tell her I miss her so much"

"I'll tell her that"

And that was goodbye. Kay kept on living. Looking for the other half of her soul in hope to grow old and meet her friends again.

(In an alternate universe where people keep on living as immortal until they find their soulmate to grow old together)

Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan membaca entry ini. Silakanlah merapu di ruang komentari bersama saya. Yeaha~

Don't worry, baby

Thursday, March 23, 2017

He is still alive..

Adieu Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan membaca entry ini. Silakanlah merapu di ruang komentari bersama saya. Yeaha~

Death of Kei

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I haven't said the things I want to say to you. I love you. I love you always. I would scream it on top of my lungs if I have to. Just so that you could hear it.

Adieu Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan membaca entry ini. Silakanlah merapu di ruang komentari bersama saya. Yeaha~

Day in India: The Rest of It

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Hi guise..

Previously on Day's Travel Log Series
Part 0: Prologue
Part 1: Bangalore Diary
Part 2: Dharwad Diary

So by now, I'd been so tired with everything. The long journey.. The unforgiving honking. So while in Delhi, I only managed to draw two pages of journal. I hate the shirt I wore when we went out for sight seeing. I hate that my anxiety was at a dangerous level. Yeah, I was so close to slapping someone. Maybe it was not anxiety. Maybe it was anger issue. Whatever it was, Delhi was challenging.

And I'm uploading everything this time. Good luck to your loading time and have fun reading my handwriting without the write up.

Ok abeh dah azab

Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan membaca entry ini. Silakanlah merapu di ruang komentari bersama saya. Yeaha~


Part time normal, most of the time comic enthusiast. Almost always borderline crazy. Still experimenting with comic blogging. An engineer with a vision to not be taken seriously. Everything you read on this blog doesn't represent my gender, religion or profession as a whole. Other name you might associate with me are Deaday, DayGoon, JaeminGoon and *cough* Mona *cough*