I'm A YOYO on A Scale

Friday, March 31, 2017

I was born the prettiest among my sisters. My skin was the fairest. I was the tallest among my cousins. 
(Demn.. Aku rasa macam patut padam opening statement ni.. )
I was thin once.

I weighed barely 50kg when I was growing up. I would say I look my best when I was 46kg. The look on people face when they realize I was wearing my youngest sister's shirt who was 7 at the time was priceless. And I loved dressing up. I loved make up.

But people didn't know how messed up I was. They didn't see it waaay back then. When I was 13, I used to throw up after every meal. At first I forced it but soon it came naturally. I ate like a pig and forced it all out within 10 minutes. There was always that unpleasant sour taste in my mouth. I was constantly hungry. My gum bled frequently. Not just during morning brush. I used to gross my cousins out by sucking on my gum to make it bleed. It bled so easily you see. And my mouth either taste like sour milk or copper or a combination of both.

And the acid reflux. God the acid reflux. I had gastric on a daily basis. I was somewhat obsessed with my weight. One time I heard about my younger cousin weighing 38 kg and I was determined to lose as much. So when I got fever, I thought it was the perfect time to lose a few kilos to hit below 40kg. And I succeeded. Deep down I knew it was unhealthy. I was not stupid. If anything I was considered brilliant among my peers. I knew I shouldn't go below 40kg. That was insane.

I don't remember when but I think it was on some science text book back in secondary school that I learned the word anorexia. Was I anorexic? But I was fine. Aside from my post-meal ritual and gastric, I was doing fine. So I thought. The signs were there. I hate looking at the mirror, despite being thin and 'in shape' at the time. When I looked into the mirror I saw a chubby girl with jiggly cheeks and and big thighs. I hate the sight.

Only after I saw a photo of mine, taken in my camisole that I really noticed how skinny I was. I don't remember how much I weigh at the time of the photo. And at that time people were more concerned about my sister being a bit on the chubbier side than me being a living walking skeleton. Or maybe they just didn't see it underneath my school uniform (I was in religious school. I wore loose clothing and big long hijab)

So I snapped out of it. It wasn't easy but I wasn't just fighting my take on body image at the time. I had other issues too that made it irrelevant. Made it seemed easier than my other demons.

I let myself go, big time. I was okay with it. I first hit 45 kg when I was 18 years old. How did I know this? I remember this because I forced feed myself to reach that weight so that I'm eligible for a blood donation. Gram said I looked much better with some meat in me. I felt great. I didn't think too much of it. But then came the next phase in life. My metabolism dropped. I started to gain weight. Little by little. It hit the hardest after a break up. Food was my only comfort. I was never good at opening up to my family. I had this belief that I had to be the strongest, I had to be reliable. So when I lost the people I love in life, I didn't show it to my family. Mum used to say that I was a tough kid growing up.

But I was dying inside and I refuse to talk to anyone. And I kept throwing shit into my body. My weight sprung from 50 kg to 60 kg in two months. And it had been increasing steadily over the year. I weigh around 70-75kg in recent years. I don't weigh myself anymore.

I kept telling myself, hey it's your body. Whether you're fat or skinny, if you're happy with how you look, why would it matter? A guy told me that I need to hit the gym. I was getting way out of shape he said. And I retorted jokingly that I love being fat. I don't care what people think. But who am I kidding. Of course I care. Yes, I fucking do.

I'm constantly conflicted between wanting to lose weight, getting back to the dating scene or just try my luck in men with my current image. Hey, guys who can't except you when you weigh 75kg don't deserves you at your 50kg! That is absolutely true. And it's not about wanting to look good for the guys.

I just had it with people pointing out my weight issue. Yeah I made fun of myself being fat. Yeah I seemed unfazed by the fat joke. But deep down I'm hurt. I hate it when people make fun of me. I used to be very conscious about my weight to a point that I hurt myself. I am 28 years old now. Not a 13-year-old. I don't want to be crippled by this issue anymore.

I just hope society would stop fat shaming people. Not even when the person themselves is making fun of themselves. Don't you know that every self directed joke is a stab to our declining confidence?

I don't know where I'm going with this. 

Honestly you can't see it..
This was how I dress and all the bones were sticking out underneath all that..

(Wait, this is not about bones or weight or shape or what ever. It's about how unhealthy it was for me to react to my 'imperfect' body by throwing up and how unhealthy it is still to over-eat every time I had my heart broken.
I hate this.
I hate this entry.
It makes me sound like an entitled little shit.
Do I think I look beautiful? Yes. I do.
But do I also think I look awful? Yes that too.
This is what's wrong with me. I can't explain what I think about myself. What I know is, I will always hate the skin I'm in. And I hate the soul that resides in it )


Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Seusia aku 28 tahun ni, baru sekali aku dapat bunga. Itu pun dari umi. Masa konvo dulu. Kenapa tak pernah dapat bunga, sebab aku bercinta time belajar. Budak-budak mana ada duit nak belikan bunga untuk awek. Apatah lagi bila awek tu selalu kata "Saya tak minat bunga"

Hakikatnya memang aku tak berapa minat bunga. Tak taksub dengan lawa bunga tu. Bau apatah lagi. Bunga zaman moden ni rupa je lawa, bau takde. (Siapa tangkap mesej mendalam yang aku cuba sampaikan? Hahaha)

Bunga ni cantik dia sekejap. Memang semua benda bernyawa sifatnya sementara. Waktu dia kembang mekarlah kita petik dia, simpan dia dalam pasu dalam rumah, kagumi kecantikannya. Bila dah layu, ke mana hilangnya nilai bunga tu? Kenapa bunga itu harus cantik, harus wangi? Supaya ada kumbang datang dekat dan bawa debunga liar untuk disenyawakan. Untuk menjadi buah. Untuk menyambung kelangsungan species. Itu tugas bunga.

Dan sesetengah manusia akan menyamakan tugas bunga dengan tugas perempuan. Untuk disunting, dinikmati kecantikannya dan untuk melahirkan anak penyambung legasi. Mungkin. Tapi tak semua perempuan ditakdirkan untuk melalui susur hidup macam tu. Ada bunga yang kembang mekar, disunting kumbang lalu membentuk buah yang masak ranum. Ada bunga yang disunting orang, jadi hiasan sementara di kamar beradu lalu layu hilang makna.

Aku bunga plastik, cantik tak setanding bunga asli. Harum tiada. Tempat singgahnya debu bukan kumbang.

Kadang-kadang aku gembira dengan status ni, kadang-kadang aku rasa sunyi dan terbeban. Dahla.. Kumbang yang aku nak pun dah pilih bunga lain. 

Kalau Kei wujud dalam dunia ni, aku rasa hari-hari aku dapat bunga..

Adieu Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan membaca entry ini. Silakanlah merapu di ruang komentari bersama saya. Yeaha~

p/s: Weyh aku bukan pondan weyh.. Jangan salah paham pulak

Soulmate Universe

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

-A prompt-

She sat there, caressing the wrinkled hands. She hummed in between sob. Her heart felt heavy. 66 years passed by in a blink and it was time to say good bye to each other.

Kay kissed the crown of Val's head. Her once golden locks turned grey with time. Val smiled weakly. Her eyes glistened to the far horizon. She ran her fingers on Kay's ever youthful fingers. There was not much time left.

"She'll be here. Hang on", Kay said, kissing her knuckles.

The sun was almost setting and with every blow of the wind, Val felt like her soul swept away with it. But Kay held her shoulder tight, head rested on the crook of her neck. Faster now, Kazu.

Kay spotted a lean figure running towards them, red roses in her hand, shoes on her other hand. Kazu was looking vibrant as ever. Her bangs was damp because of all that running. She dropped to her knees when she reached them.

"I'm sorry. I can't find the yellow ones" she said biting her lips as she stopped herself from crying yet again. Val smiled. All she did was smile and the tears came gushing from her two youthful friends.

"I think it's time" Val said weakly. Her breath hitched.

"Don't say that. " Kay wept.

"He's been waiting for me for so long. I can finally meet him again." she replied.

Kazu cupped Val's face in her trembling hands. The face has aged like how everyone should have. But there sat Kay and Kazu, untouched by time, youthful in their twenties. It was said that you can't age without a soulmate. Val met hers back in 2013. She had lost him in 2063. She loved and lived with him until they turned grey together. Cedric died of old age. To which Val had never recover. Her friends' love kept her alive for seven more years but her heart couldn't take it anymore. She longed for him. She missed him.

Kay and Kazu never had anyone. No one to call soulmate. But Val was close to be one. In their eyes, Val will forever be their golden treasure. Val's breath grew desperate. Kazu showered her with kisses. Kay was frozen in despair. She felt Val's body slumped heavier onto her and with a whisk of evening breeze, Val was no more.

They cried so much that day. Their heart was so broken that they stopped seeing each other for a long time. Val was buried next to her lover together with their friendship.

They next time they met each other, Kazu was already a grey woman, resting against her equally grey husband. She too was ready for the next life. Kazu kissed Kay's cheek, tasting the salty tears on her youthful skin.

"I'm so worried about you" she said and Kay chuckled in her cry.

"Say hi to Val for me. Tell her I miss her so much"

"I'll tell her that"

And that was goodbye. Kay kept on living. Looking for the other half of her soul in hope to grow old and meet her friends again.

(In an alternate universe where people keep on living as immortal until they find their soulmate to grow old together)

Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan membaca entry ini. Silakanlah merapu di ruang komentari bersama saya. Yeaha~

Don't worry, baby

Thursday, March 23, 2017

He is still alive..

Adieu Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan membaca entry ini. Silakanlah merapu di ruang komentari bersama saya. Yeaha~

Death of Kei

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I haven't said the things I want to say to you. I love you. I love you always. I would scream it on top of my lungs if I have to. Just so that you could hear it.

Adieu Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan membaca entry ini. Silakanlah merapu di ruang komentari bersama saya. Yeaha~

Day in India: The Rest of It

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Hi guise..

Previously on Day's Travel Log Series
Part 0: Prologue
Part 1: Bangalore Diary
Part 2: Dharwad Diary

So by now, I'd been so tired with everything. The long journey.. The unforgiving honking. So while in Delhi, I only managed to draw two pages of journal. I hate the shirt I wore when we went out for sight seeing. I hate that my anxiety was at a dangerous level. Yeah, I was so close to slapping someone. Maybe it was not anxiety. Maybe it was anger issue. Whatever it was, Delhi was challenging.

And I'm uploading everything this time. Good luck to your loading time and have fun reading my handwriting without the write up.

Ok abeh dah azab

Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan membaca entry ini. Silakanlah merapu di ruang komentari bersama saya. Yeaha~


Part time normal, most of the time comic enthusiast. Almost always borderline crazy. Still experimenting with comic blogging. An engineer with a vision to not be taken seriously. Everything you read on this blog doesn't represent my gender, religion or profession as a whole. Other name you might associate with me are Deaday, DayGoon, JaeminGoon and *cough* Mona *cough*