Road to 33

21 days to my 33rd birthday. I tend to get sappy on my birthdays and this year I feel it even more intensely.

Allah knows how lonely I am, how I hope for a soulmate to accompany me on this long journey. Sure I've met people, I've met hopeful candidates but no one really gives me the peace I seek. I've fallen in love, I've fallen out of love, I continue to love. But there is no marriage in sight. I've found someone I want to have as my imam but he doesn't want me as his makmum. At least not the context that I'm hoping for. I've met someone who loves me for who I am but even he feels like a bad fit. 

I want someone who can bring me closer to my God. I realize now that I'm looking at the wrong direction. For me to be closer to my religion, to my God and to His messenger, I have to be one to push myself, not someone else.

Allah is the best planner. I put all my faith in His grand design. Allah knows me best. Maybe I'm not one to be a wife. Not a wife material some might say. I might hurt myself and the people around me if I am one. Who am I to be stubborn in things that I have little to no control over? I've prayed for someone who can be a good husband to me. I've prayed to be someone deserving enough for one. I've been praying and hoping.

Hope is free but it is so tiring to maintain being hopeful for such a long time. Hope requires so much energy and I don't have that much left in me. So here I say it. Goodbye to being hopeful. I am at peace with this loneliness.

I just want be free of this pain, that is all.

Ya Allah please grant me the strength to go through it all. I have no hope for my future but the one You've intended for me. For You know what's best for me. Grant me a peace of mind for You know what my heart needs. Heal me of my heartache. Grant me Your everlasting guidance to stay true to Your religion. I will continue being a daughter, a sister and a mother to my sisters' children if that's what you've intended for me. I will be those gladly. This is enough for me.

Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim. For You are the Most Compassionate and All-Knowing. I thank you for this life and all the heartbreaks and happiness You've blessed me with. You are enough for me. I wish for nothing else.