Dear Old Friend Pt.2

Last year I wrote about I friend I decided to unfriend. 

That Post About That Dude

Surprise.. Surprise.. The dude resurfaced. Apparently he's sending a friend request to my Facebook account. Hah! I deleted you; why would I accept it again? Plus, I don't even go to Facebook that much anymore.

Apart from that dude, there's another dude who tries to add me. (I don't always talk about friend requests that come my way, but I feel strongly about these two). This dude is just as annoying if not more than the other one. One similarity they share is that they befriended my mom. Which is rather odd when you think about it. But my mom is some sort of a local celebrity anyway so yeah.

The thing about this dude, let's call him T, is he likes to insult me on my mom's posts. Constantly pointing out my weight and what not. He said it jokingly but always the same recycled "joke". Mom said he might be interested in me. But why on earth would I be inclined to get to know him when he incessantly trying to make me feel inferior? One thing he's wrong about me is that I don't need his validation. Does he think by making me feel bad about myself I would lower my ground and settle for an inadequate man as himself? Plus, he is infamously prickly. Dad says he could see how hot-headed T is from their first encounter. Definitely not someone that would suit well with a hot-headed woman like me.

Anyway, I'm not gonna accept their friend requests because what for? Seriously, Why? One is living across the sea, interacting only through shades and submentions, the other one is straight up annoying whose only connection he manages to retain between us is primary school friend. Not even a memorable one.

Good riddance to both of them.

Adieu

Wedding After-effect

Marriage..

I used to think that marriage is a destination I want to come to one day. Years passed, I'm getting more and more afraid of marriage. I've met quite a few slew of men. Some are downright revolting but most are good guys, genuine friend material.

But the only guys who approach me for marriage are the guy in the first category. Guys who were engaged, guys who were married, those kinda guys. The decent ones are content with being friends which I'm totally okay with. So yes, I am afraid of marriage and the guys who approach me with marriage in mind. I truly believe that I'm not one to marry. I'm scared of guys. I'm scared of emotionally investing in one.

Lately I've been receiving a lot of question regarding my marriage status. When are you getting married? Are you being too choosy with guys? Do you have anyone in mind?

The truth is, I'm scared shitless. I'm scared of getting married but I'm also scared of not getting married. It feels like a norm to plan my life towards marriage so I do feel anxious when I find myself hating the idea of it. I have a strong feeling towards someone but even that doesn't materialize into a desire to get married. I want to be loved. I don't want to be tied down though. The whole structure of marriage feels like a disaster waiting to happen.

I am getting old. I don't think even think I'm that desirable to guys anyway. And the thought of having a child is a nightmare to me. I'm not a prime specimen of human being. I'm not sure I want to pass down my gene to the next generation. What if I'm a shitty parent in the making? What if I'm not good enough to be one? Worse, what if I'm not capable of being one?

Yes, the imagination of having a perfect relationship does reel me in sometimes. Having someone to caress you, to touch and to feel is nice. But the price to having one is something I'm not ready to pay. Maybe what I'm truly afraid of is a failed marriage. And avoiding getting married is my way of not having a failed marriage.

Adieu