The Knot Part 2

Week two of manic episode.. No this is not a manic episode. I don't know what it is. I'm too afraid to get it diagnosed..

I can't maintain focus. On work.. on personal life. Today, right now, I can't stop myself from shaking. My face aches randomly. Earlier on my chin now it's on my right jaw. There's a suffocating lump in my throat. I bite down hard, clenching my jaw unknowingly. Now that I realize how tense my face feels, I soften it a bit. But I unknowingly do it again.

I feel like puking but at the same time I feel immense hunger. When I sat down for breakfast this morning, I had the most unpleasant feeling in my mouth. The food tasted great but having them in my mouth felt like a disturbance.

I need to talk to someone but at the same time I don't want to. My voice comes out dry and lifeless today. I croak, to be exact. I see weird expressions I can't decipher. All morning the faces I see are uncharacteristic. I notice how foreign the faces are. It's weird when I think about it. I've seen these faces everyday. I know how they look like but today it's like I am looking at a different people. My boss' face looks smaller. His brows look bushier than usual. My officemate Syikin's eyes look smaller. Her lips are puffier.  She looks leaner. The planner next to me, Nazmi, his hair is parted differently today. It's still on the same side but it just looks so different. I'm not even that attentive to things around me. I feel like I'm not in my usual space. I feel out of place. You know what's the worst thing is? I keep smelling that tom yum soup I ate last night. I sniff around, maybe the smell is on my shirt but it's not. It lingers around, not clutching to anything. It never leaves.

I'm jotting down everything I feel right now for future reference. If you manage to meet a therapist one day, show them this. This is what you feel right now. This is the torture you're going through.

Something bad is about to happen. I feel it in my bones.

Adieu

Recurring Episode: The Knot In My Chest

Every time I spiral into my dark thoughts, about self values and inexplicable hatred towards everything; I can feel a knot growing deep inside. I told my sister, I'm doing just fine. Don't you worry about me. I've survived this for decades. I can get over it somehow.

The first thing I notice is my insatiable need to buy things. I feel like I need to somehow suppress the vile thoughts seeping through my brain by creating a temporary happiness. The easiest way to achieve that is by buying things. It is excruciating. I know that I don't need those things. I understand that it is a temporary urge but it is hard to fight. The urge would immediately cease to exist once the episode ends. But until then, it's like one item after another. With every purchase I manage to delay the numbness from spreading further.

 But the numbness continues to spread despite the delay. There were whispers. Not quite audible but like a feeling. Something come and go at random moments.

"I suck at this"

"I mean nothing"

"There's nothing in life that can make me happy"

"My existence is a lie"

"I don't deserve this life"

Every waking moment, the knot grow larger, fed by my endless self pity. I can't bring myself to talk to my loved ones. I don't want them to notice the darkness that is growing inside me. The colors in my face fade from day to day. No matter how much rouge I dust on my cheeks, they're never pink enough. No matter how many time I apply my favorite lipstick, they seem dull on me.

I am reduced to my worst look. Have I always been this ugly? Oh my God, I am really really fat. Oh my God, my nose is enormous. Oh look at those whiteheads. I'm disgusting.

At random hours I would feel like I need to cry that very instant. I feel like throwing up. The knot manage to push the air out of my chest, it manage to raise my tummy contents to my throat. It's hard to ignore my breathing and heartbeats. At times I feel ending them so that I don't have to hear them so loudly.

What first feels like a phantom numbness now feels very real. My forearm feels numb, throbbing but unmoving. I don't know how to explain it. I used to scratch it frequently just to chase away the nothingness I feel. Now I try to ignore it. But it turns into something worse. At my worst hour, my jaw tighten, instantly I feel immense pain on my face, in particular along my jaw. It's like somebody bashed my face with a baseball bat. The pain in jaw usually comes with a sharp pain in my chest as if somebody sticks a knife through it. It usually last around 2 to 3 minutes but it's getting longer as I keep fighting it. It comes and go. There's no definite time or place to trigger it. It just happen.

I don't know how but one day I woke up and all the darkness disappear. The knot in me becomes unravel. I feel lighter. Everything seems so beautiful. For a brief moment, all the pain I suffered feels worth it. My life had never been so beautiful. But it too disappear into nothingness. I go back to my normal self. Nothing too extreme. Until the cycle starts again and the knot grow larger and larger until in unravel itself.

My life is a ticking bomb and it pains me to go through it over and over again.

Adieu