What I Do; SBG

Hello guys,

Lama rasanya tak post entry secara serius kat sini. Banyak entry layan perasaan je lately. I'm not really sorry for them, to be honest.

Tapi hari ni tiba-tiba kerajinan melanda so aku ada buat nota sikit pasal kerja aku. Basically dekat company aku ni ada beberapa jabatan yang kemudiannya dipecahkan kepada pasukan mengikut jenis struktur yang diselia. Dalam kes aku, aku ditempatkan dibawah jabatan Project Management untuk pakej Segmental Box Girder (SBG). Tugas aku adalah untuk memastikan segment dikonkrit dalam tempoh masa yang ditetapkan.

Aku rasa tak ramai yang faham apa tu SBG. Even bagi engineers pun aku tak rasa kitorang ada belajar benda ni. Tapi konsep dia sama dengan lego. Basically you are building a beam by attaching matching segments together. Aku dah tak boleh nak translate the layman term lebih dari tu.

Mungkin lebih mudah untuk difahami kalau korang baca nota aku terus kot.

Nampak macam complicated kan? Sebenarnya apa yang kitorang buat ni adalah bina bongkah lego yang terlebih steroid menggunakan konkrit. Konkrit yang digunakan juga bukan calang-calang konrit. Kalau rumah, untuk load bearing member macam tiang dan foundation, kita biasanya pakai konkrit grade G25. Yang ni untuk rumah biasa, bukan rumah berdekatan dengan laut atau mana-mana severe environment. Untuk SBG, kami guna konkrit grade G55.

Untuk senang faham, G25 tu kekuatannya adalah 25 N/mm2 pada 28 hari. Maksudnya untuk permukaan konkrit seluas 1cmx1cm mula retak, korang perlukan 2500 Newton. 1 kg bersamaan dengan 9.81 newtons (speed of gravity). Jadi, kalau korang pakai grade konkrit G25, korang memerlukan lebih kurang 250kg beban untuk meretakkan permukaan seluas 1cm x 1cm. Untuk konkrit G55 pulak lebih kurang dua kali ganda tu dan bongkah konkrit yang kami buat ni lebih dari 1cm x 1cm so bayangkan jelah ye kekuatan konkrit ni macam mana. (Sorry to engineers who might find this tad bit elementary. This post is not intended for professionals)

Supaya korang boleh bayangkan betapa besarnya setiap bongkah segment yang kitorang bina, boleh la tengok gambar-gambar berikut. (FYI, I am 156cm tall)

Sekian saja perkongsian kita kali ni. Kalau korang minat mungkin lepas ni aku akan share lagi walaupun sedikit azab la nak translate.

Adieu

In The Name of Love

Love is a cheesy word. I always hated that word. People use it too casually. But I myself, sometimes love too easily.

Love can be eternal. It can be temporary. It doesn't have to be selfless. It doesn't have to be anything. Have you ever met a stranger and suddenly your heart is filled with fondness? It went away as fast as it came.

I saw you in the crowd. You were anxious. You held your bags close to you. You eyes were shaking. Your fingers were intertwined with each others, clasping, unclasping.  I wanted to sit next to you. I want to hold your hands in mine and tell you not to worry. I wanted for you to be safe. I wanted for you to be calm.

I love you, stranger.

I love you. Even though I don't know you. I love you. Even though I can't remember you face now, I still love you.  Even though I'm a loveless person, I love you. I don't want to own you. I don't want to be a part of your life. I just want you to be happy. I love you as a friend, as a stranger. I love you unconditionally. And will stop loving you when my heart doesn't want to feel this anymore. Be it a month, a year or even a minute. Know that you are loved. You are truly loved. You are loved by a stranger who saw something in you. Kindness perhaps, but I don't know you that well. 

Adieu



p/s/; It's a she

Lyrics Translation Challenge: Nur Kasih by Slam

In case you haven't know, I'm a sucker for good lyrics and as if I haven't made myself clear, I'm a sucker at language though I've never been that good with either. So I'm gonna challenge myself doing a translation for some of the songs I found lyrically intriguing. It's gonna be bad but my kinda bad so eh. The song is nice too.

Nur Kasih {Light of Love} by Slam

Bukan aku tak cinta {It's not that I don't love (you)}

Pada mu semakin kurela {For you, I'm more (than) willing}

Kaulah satu di dunia {You're one in the world}

Tapi kau tak mengerti {But you didn't understand}

Getaran rahsia hati ini {The tremor of the secret in my heart}

Masih ada kucari {I'm still looking for something}

Kau anggap aku berseloka{You thought that I was joking}

Dan asyik dalam misteri {And that I was stuck in a mystery}

Mencari nur dan kasih Nya, pasti {Looking for God's Light and Love for sure}

Akhirnya engkau curiga {In the end you were suspicious}

Katamu aku berdusta {You said I was lying}

Memperduakan cinta {(that I was) unfaithful}

Mentari di tangan bulan {Sun in the hand of the Moon}

Kau serah di genggaman {You put (them) in (my) palms}

Tak kuhirau karna Dia {I ignored (it) for God}

Relalah aku korban {I'm willing to sacrifice}

Andainya satu hukuman {If it's a punishment}

Kau tinggal diriku {You left me}

Tanpa satu pengertian {Without understanding}

Dan sebenarnya cinta kita {Truthfully, our love was..}

Hanya cinta sementara {..just a temporary love}

Kan hilang jua dibawa arus pawana {(it) will eventually be lost with the passing of the wind}

Cinta pada kuterpandang {Love at physical beings}  lit: kuterpandang: things that can be seen =physical being

Kan pudar nafas hilang {Will fade when (I) die} lit: nafas hilang: lost breath=final breath

Hanya Ia menantiku di Azali yang suci {Only God is waiting for me in the holy hereafter}

Mengertilah kau sayang {(Please) understand, Love}

Kita harus rasakan  {We have to feel (it)}
Ke alam tiada mati {to the afterlife} lit: alam tanpa mati: land with no death = afterlife

Dan kita seabadi {And we will (be there) forever}

Dan akhirnya engkau kucup oh tangan ku {And finally, you kiss my hand} *Kissing one's and is an act to show respect/submission, usually towards older people

Marilah ku bisikkan keramat kasih ini {Let me whisper this sacred love} *I believe sacred love might refers to a promise or a vow made to the girl considering the context of the following sentence.

Biar menjadi nadi {Let (it) be (our) heartbeat}

Rahsiakan kalimah ku {Make secret of my words} *keep my promise a secret

Hingga ia menjadi tanda {Until it became a manifestation}

Hidup mati bersama {Life and death together}

Hidup mati bersama {Life and death together}

Book Cover and Its Challenges

Hi guys,

A month back I was approached by a freelance writer, asking me to design a book cover for her self-published travelogue. I was very unsure about this assignment considering I've only ever done one book cover design before for BOTK comic and it was heavily guided by Nub (our boss). Plus, I had a few projects on hand; 2 comic project and 1 very time consuming watercolor illustration project. So I was leaning towards rejecting this one.

Maybe because my client was in a hurry and I was a bit confident when it comes to travel illustration so I said yes at a price I first thought quite expensive (It's not. Demand for more). You see, I asked my mom how much people usually pay their book cover artist and she gave me a range around RM100-RM150. I wasn't thinking straight and I forgot that I'm designing a watercolour book cover. Plus the client was very involved with the creative process. Long story short, I wrongly priced the commission.

We had some hiccup along the way. Most of it stemming from miscommunication. We communicated through e-mail and Instagram Direct Message so it was really-really vague at times on what the client wanted and what I could contribute.

My first two drafts were rejected. I was taken aback by the comments I received. The thing about written communication is that it's not easy to assign the tone to the sentence you are reading. All the comments seemed ill-intentioned, they seemed abusive at times. I was ready to drop the project. The fee didn't seem to worth the effort I was putting in. But it didn't feel right so we set up a meeting. I wanted to know what the client really wanted.

So we met. Lo and behold, the meeting only lasted for 20 minutes. It was clear to me what I had to do. After that, working was easy. I found that my client had a difficulty to explain her needs through written form. She was easy to talk to. Very warm and friendly unlike her online counterpart. I finished the assignment as promised.

From this project I noticed something about myself. I've grown too fond of praise that I couldn't accept criticism. What I lack was patience. I was too eager to start the project without realizing that I don't have all the information needed to even start designing.

To those who are interested in book cover design, do look into book margin, bleed area, cut area and spine design. I was also asked to do a book mock up. (I would have charged extra for this but I was too tired to care).

Anyway, this is the final product of said project. Feel free to share your thoughts.

(This is a book mock-up and I'm so proud of it)

Adieu

The Knot Part 2

Week two of manic episode.. No this is not a manic episode. I don't know what it is. I'm too afraid to get it diagnosed..

I can't maintain focus. On work.. on personal life. Today, right now, I can't stop myself from shaking. My face aches randomly. Earlier on my chin now it's on my right jaw. There's a suffocating lump in my throat. I bite down hard, clenching my jaw unknowingly. Now that I realize how tense my face feels, I soften it a bit. But I unknowingly do it again.

I feel like puking but at the same time I feel immense hunger. When I sat down for breakfast this morning, I had the most unpleasant feeling in my mouth. The food tasted great but having them in my mouth felt like a disturbance.

I need to talk to someone but at the same time I don't want to. My voice comes out dry and lifeless today. I croak, to be exact. I see weird expressions I can't decipher. All morning the faces I see are uncharacteristic. I notice how foreign the faces are. It's weird when I think about it. I've seen these faces everyday. I know how they look like but today it's like I am looking at a different people. My boss' face looks smaller. His brows look bushier than usual. My officemate Syikin's eyes look smaller. Her lips are puffier.  She looks leaner. The planner next to me, Nazmi, his hair is parted differently today. It's still on the same side but it just looks so different. I'm not even that attentive to things around me. I feel like I'm not in my usual space. I feel out of place. You know what's the worst thing is? I keep smelling that tom yum soup I ate last night. I sniff around, maybe the smell is on my shirt but it's not. It lingers around, not clutching to anything. It never leaves.

I'm jotting down everything I feel right now for future reference. If you manage to meet a therapist one day, show them this. This is what you feel right now. This is the torture you're going through.

Something bad is about to happen. I feel it in my bones.

Adieu

Recurring Episode: The Knot In My Chest

Every time I spiral into my dark thoughts, about self values and inexplicable hatred towards everything; I can feel a knot growing deep inside. I told my sister, I'm doing just fine. Don't you worry about me. I've survived this for decades. I can get over it somehow.

The first thing I notice is my insatiable need to buy things. I feel like I need to somehow suppress the vile thoughts seeping through my brain by creating a temporary happiness. The easiest way to achieve that is by buying things. It is excruciating. I know that I don't need those things. I understand that it is a temporary urge but it is hard to fight. The urge would immediately cease to exist once the episode ends. But until then, it's like one item after another. With every purchase I manage to delay the numbness from spreading further.

 But the numbness continues to spread despite the delay. There were whispers. Not quite audible but like a feeling. Something come and go at random moments.

"I suck at this"

"I mean nothing"

"There's nothing in life that can make me happy"

"My existence is a lie"

"I don't deserve this life"

Every waking moment, the knot grow larger, fed by my endless self pity. I can't bring myself to talk to my loved ones. I don't want them to notice the darkness that is growing inside me. The colors in my face fade from day to day. No matter how much rouge I dust on my cheeks, they're never pink enough. No matter how many time I apply my favorite lipstick, they seem dull on me.

I am reduced to my worst look. Have I always been this ugly? Oh my God, I am really really fat. Oh my God, my nose is enormous. Oh look at those whiteheads. I'm disgusting.

At random hours I would feel like I need to cry that very instant. I feel like throwing up. The knot manage to push the air out of my chest, it manage to raise my tummy contents to my throat. It's hard to ignore my breathing and heartbeats. At times I feel ending them so that I don't have to hear them so loudly.

What first feels like a phantom numbness now feels very real. My forearm feels numb, throbbing but unmoving. I don't know how to explain it. I used to scratch it frequently just to chase away the nothingness I feel. Now I try to ignore it. But it turns into something worse. At my worst hour, my jaw tighten, instantly I feel immense pain on my face, in particular along my jaw. It's like somebody bashed my face with a baseball bat. The pain in jaw usually comes with a sharp pain in my chest as if somebody sticks a knife through it. It usually last around 2 to 3 minutes but it's getting longer as I keep fighting it. It comes and go. There's no definite time or place to trigger it. It just happen.

I don't know how but one day I woke up and all the darkness disappear. The knot in me becomes unravel. I feel lighter. Everything seems so beautiful. For a brief moment, all the pain I suffered feels worth it. My life had never been so beautiful. But it too disappear into nothingness. I go back to my normal self. Nothing too extreme. Until the cycle starts again and the knot grow larger and larger until in unravel itself.

My life is a ticking bomb and it pains me to go through it over and over again.

Adieu

Day in Cambodia: Part 1 of 4 [Day1: TONLE SAP]

I've been looking for a way to fit all the scanned pages into the blog post. Today's post might load a bit slower than usual but bear with me.

Links to this series:

[Introduction]

[Day 1: Tonle Sap]

[Day 2: Angkor]

[Day 3: Pnohm Kulen]

[Day 4: Goodbye, Lea Hi]

We actually went back to Family Mart for a quick snack.

I don't know what it is with flight meal, I'm just way too excited for it.

Stepping out of the AC-ed airport was like walking into a sauna. Much much much much hotter than Malaysia, I'm telling you.

To be honest, I would rather stay in bed rather than went out with the tour group. But then again, why would you fly to a different country just to stay in the comfort of your lodging? Let's go out and see things.

Night time was a work out session.

So that's it. Not much instant photos eyh? Actually I took quite some numbers but they didn't come out as nice so I kept them in my personal album. Plus, I gave a few away. 

Adieu

Wish Crossed #2

Hi guise..

I managed to cross another one on my wish list. My latest purchase left me with a huge dent in my bank account but I'm so happy. I've been meaning to change my old Toshiba fridge with a newer, bigger and more power efficient fridge. Lucky for me my cousin works at Panasonic so he is entitled to staff purchase with around 10% discount and zero interest. He offered to buy the fridge on my behalf. Of course I would be paying him in installment. (I hate paying in installments but I just can't afford to pay it in bulk).

Rather an unfair comparison.. (._.)"

This big beauty of mine is way too big for my personal need but never too big for my ego. I'm just glad that I cross one out so that I can focus on other things from now onward.

My mom for size comparison.

What I like about this guy is that the freezer compartment is at the bottom. I don't know why it excites me so but I really like this feature. Plus the top compartment is spacious with working light bulb! (The light bulb in my old fridge stopped working a few years back so this is quite exciting for me).

The temperature control is on the glass panel at the door making it super sleek. Overall, it's an amazing addition to my kitchen.

Adieu

Day in Cambodia: Part 0 of 4 [INTRODUCTION]

Hi guise,

I just got back from Cambodia and let me tell you this, personally I think my travel journal is a huge success. I manage to finish it in a short time. I've captured most of the thing I wanted to capture and I am less annoyed at the outcome. So yes, a SUCCESS!

I will be posting the travel journal in phases so that I won't sit on the whole thing for too long. There will be 5 parts to the travel journal including the Introduction. There will be very minimal additional write up except for this entry. You'll be reading the raw scans of my travel journal and I won't be changing any of the grammatical errors. I wish you would enjoy it as much as I had enjoyed writing it.

Links to this series:

[Introduction]
[Day 1: Tonle Sap]
[Day 2: Angkor]
[Day 3: Pnohm Kulen]
[Day 4: Goodbye, Lea Hi]

So, let's start. I began preparing for the trip for almost two months earlier. I bought new luggage, new hiking pants and some other tiny stuff. It was about three weeks before the trip that I actually decided to do a travel journal while on the go. I managed to get some new writing supply with the remaining money I had left after paying for the trip and setting aside some money for souvenirs.

The trip was partly sponsored by my company so it was rather affordable. A little bit about the trip, it was an annual company trip organised by Gamuda Sport Club. I don't usually join these kind of activities because I don't have many friends at the HQ. Being a seconded staff usually means that you are cut off from the rest of the parent company. I took a leap of faith with this trip after Kak Nurul, someone previously worked in the same office with me, invited me to be her roommate during the trip.

We were required to pay only half of the total cost. We paid RM1300 in 3 installments to the Trip Coordinator. It was even more convenient than what I thought it would be. The trip was well managed and we were frequently informed of the latest development.

(Special thanks to Kak Cha, my housemate who lent me her prized SJCam which I used mostly on videos.)

(Oopss.. kay... I didn't anticipate this. Apparently, my scanner is not big enough for flip. I will have to scan them on a bigger scanner but my personal scanner has been far better than the one we have at work so I'm a bit conflicted here. Anyway.. we'll see about it..)

So that's it for an introduction. Tune in next time?

Adieu

New Adventure : Instant Photo for Travel Journal

So..

I'm gearing up for my next trip. I am thinking about doing another travel journal and I'll be focusing more on instax journal this time around. I know I haven't been in touch with my instant camera after India. It's quite an expensive hobby so I hesitate a bit. What I notice from my previous journal is that I didn't really have time to write what I wanted to write because I focused to much on the sketching. I will still be doing watercolour journal but the whole artwork might start/be finished after the trip.

Bad news is, I misplaced the battery charger for my instant camera. I had to spend quite some money to replace it. And the film is not cheap. Anyway, since we'ere in the topic of instant camera, I figure I might share some insight. For those who are interested in instant photo journalism, I'm giving you a simple breakdown of the cost. Price might vary:

The Camera

I'm using Instax Mini 90 Neo Classic. You can get it at around RM550 at Lazada. Some sell it with free 10pcs film. Just make sure they provide the free film or you might have to buy them separately. Unlike its predecessor, the Neo Classic uses rechargeable battery (NP-45). Each charge can last around 100 pictures. The camera also comes with neck strap. You can read about all the shooting mode and other details at Fujifilm website.

Cheaper alternative is the Instax mini 7s (Around RM200).

The Film

Fujifilm offers instant film in 3 sizes. The one used with the mini camera series is the instax mini film. If you're using the bigger model, you will have to use the Instax wide. The latest addition to the family is the Instax square; it is used exclusively for the new Instax Square (the hybrid digital instant camera). The mini film can also be used with the Fujifilm Instax Printer. The printer allows you to print from your smart device onto the instant film.

Always remember to check which instant camera you're using. Instant films are expensive. You don't want to purchase the wrong film. Another tips, always check the expiry date of the film. Yes! Instant film has expiry date. The price for a box of film is around RM70. Every pack consists of 10 films. Fujifilm sell 2 packs of those film in one box. So that's around RM 3.50 per picture. Use them wisely.  You can get them cheaper when you buy them in bulk. Always plan your usage so that you can choose the best pack.

Simple cost per film:

• Regular box (2 x 10pcs) - RM70 (RM3.50 per picture) *if you're lucky you can find RM47 deal from Lazada
• Twin Package (4 x 10pcs) - RM130 (RM3.25 per picture)
• Bulk 50pcs instax paper (5 x 10pcs) - RM125 (RM2.50 per picture) *packed in single box
• 3 box package (6 x 10pcs) - RM130 (RM2.15 per picture) *weird right? I know

Quick Update!You can get cheaper film from Flash Gadgets IOI City Mall (L1-22)

• Single box (10 pcs) - RM33 (RM3.30 per picture)
• Regular twin box (2 x 10 pcs) - RM62 (RM3.10)

The Pen

I would usually recommend a few brands for writing depending on your preference but for instax film, just go with Sharpie. If you find the Sharpie marker too thick for your liking, use the Sharpie extra Fine. That is for writing on the frame of the film. If you want to write on the developed print area itself, use the white pen. Alcohol based ink will ruin the print. I might need to experiment more on this but the film is too expensive. I don't want to waste them on testing pen. At least not for the time being. 

The Album

If you are traveling with an instant camera (Instax to be specific) always bring an envelope or mini album to store your photos. The instant photos are easily scratched and if you leave it out in direct light, it will fade. You don't have to shake the film to make it develop faster. Shaking does nothing to the setting time. Just tuck it nicely in a safe place, away from your keys or lose changes. It would be best to take a mini album with you. You can buy them online from as low as RM5. Or you can do scrap booking. Stick it to your best notebook for travel journals.

So that's all I can share with you. I am still learning about it myself. It's a fun way to capture the moment so try it if you are interested. Or you can choose the mini photo printers. There are a few brands that uses instax film, zinc paper and regular paper. I don't know if I will ever try them but for the time being, I'm enjoying my Instax Mini to the max.

Here are some of the photos we took in India. looking forward to a bigger collection this time around.

Adieu

Dear Old Friend

I have been thinking a lot before sharing this story of mine. One of the reason is because it happened a long time ago when we were kids. But going back to our last interaction, I think it is important for me to write about it. At least I would feel better about not keeping it to myself any longer..

I was not used to getting visitors from school. I had issue back then so I didn't really invite that many people to my humble abode. You were the selected few. But that doesn't mean you can come and go as you please.

I don't know if you still remember the way to my house. In case you forgot, I drew a pretty one for you.

As you can see, my house is rather secluded from the rest. It is located at the far end of the road and surrounded by heavy vegetation. The closest neighbor we have is a lot away. we don't see people and people don't see us. Just want to put it out there.

So you came over one day, without prior notice and saw me without hijab. You fled the scene. Probably afraid of the sudden realization of "Oh my God, she's not bald!" I didn't mind you running away. In fact I thought it was commendable. What I didn't appreciate was you avoiding me for the next few days like I was some kind of plague. I didn't even know why the sudden cold shoulder. We were close back then. I thought you were my brother.

When you finally had the courage to confront me, you told me the whole thing. That was when I know you had paid me a visit that day. I remembered your text (imagine that.. You were so afraid to tell your friend what happened that you rather text her after a few days of hiding).

"Hidayah, as a muslim I must remind you to cover your aurah. God will punish those who deviated from His command and not covering your aurah is a sin. I saw you that day when I went to your house for a visit. I was so shocked that I can't bring myself to go on. I quickly turned my bike away. So please. Protect your dignity as a muslimah"

That was pretty much the text (though in Terengganu shortform malay texting).

Wow!

First of all, thank you. Thanks to you I am more mindful of what I wear at home. It didn't occur to me how open my compound was back then. You know, being secluded and surrounded by trees and all. We never had an occurrence of a stranger coming to our home unannounced before. Everybody else had the decency to CALL first before coming. Because hey, there's only one guy in our household. Plus it is one of the adab when visiting someone. ASK FOR PERMISSION TO VISIT FIRST! Didn't we learn that at school?

And you avoided me like I was filthy. Why? Because you saw me without hijab? Accidentally I might add. And that was my fault?

You know what. Fine. I give you that. You were just being a good muslim, policing women as you see fit without realizing you too didn't observe the guideline set by Prophet Muhammad about visiting. Fine. I admit it was my fault. It was easier to put on hijab than asking permission to visit someone. 

Fast forward a few years. We lost contact for like 5 years give or take. You found my Facebook account and added me to your friendlist. Nothing's wrong with that. But you're such a passive aggressive prick! A spineless one at that. You have problem with the way I up my status. You find it distasteful. This is not how a muslimah conduct herself on social media! And of course, instead of coming straight to me and tell me what's wrong, you rather talk about me through sub-post (subtweet or unmensi for those who are more familiar with twitter). 

"I remember you as soft and kind soul. But your thought are poisoned. Your words are like thorn"

(Again you posted in Malay but that's about it)

I just had enough. You had to have a say on everything. You had to get people to follow your way of thinking. I had enough of people like you back in school. So thank you. Thank you so much for your concern. You are a good muslim. But maybe not a good friend.

You know who's a good friend? Someone who doesn't judge others the way you did. I still have friends like that. Someone who always have time when I ask about islam. Someone who doesn't condescendingly advice you on how you are not a true muslim. Someone who actually send you a copy of Quran with markers on ayaat to help you through tough time. Friends like that! To these precious friends, I could only pray for Allah to repay your kindness. You are a true muslim. You are my hope in humanity. God bless you always. I truly love you.

Adieu

Movie Review: Raw (2016)

I watched a French movie last night. At the first look of the movie, I was quickly transported to the same cold, isolated tone as my favorite vampire movie "Låt Den Rätte Komma In (Let The right One In)". Okay, off for a good start.

The movie focuses on Justine, a freshie at a vet school where her parents and older sister previously went to. The school had an extreme hazing ritual. From there it just got weirder and weirder. Raw is not a cheesy horror movie. It doesn't have cheap jumpscares. It relies a lot on slow buildup of uneasiness. I'm not going to spoil it because this is important. Watch it and see it for yourself. There were times where I just wanted to turn off the movie for it's unapologetic portrayal of taboo matter. It's not a movie for the fainthearted. You'll be disgusted by it. That's saying a lot for a movie with only 3 occasion of body horror. Underneath it all, the movie really force you into understanding it's unconventional heroine. I feel for Justine. I felt anxious for her. I felt angry at her at times.

If you can't stomach the movie, at least the soundtrack is bomb.

So yes.. Watch Raw. But maybe not during ramadan. Do not read the synopsis of the movie anywhere. It's just gonna spoil it. 

Adieu

Kei In Motion

Yesterday was productive. I managed to do a simple animation of Kei on Clip Studio Paint. Although it's a short animation, I am swelling with pride. The animation is made up of 20 frames, each carefully drawn in sequence.

I'm looking forward to doing more animation in the future. You know.. Just for fun.

Adieu

Travel Read: Murakami (Hard-Boiled Wonderland and The End of The World)

I finally finished reading the book when I went back to Terengganu. Haaa.. It was a long read.

Murakami tend to write complex world in his book. He did it in Kafka on The Shore but that got nothing on the world he built for Hard-Boiled Wonderland And The End of The World. I went back and forth between two settings and throughout the majority of the read I was waiting for the two worlds to collide.

There was a collision and true to its nature, the collision was brief. Almost too brief even.

The story followed an unnamed man. A calcutec, someone who worked like a keygen or something. His storyline was a science fiction with made up career and monsters and bad guys. It's hard not to get invested in his story where most of the action took part. As long as you get your mind around the whole made up technology and terminologies, you'd be down for it.

The other narrative followed another man with different discovery of a new occurrence. Something rather magical than scientific. At the beginning I loved this world more that the other one. In my head it was a sephia world. The other world was mostly grey in my head except for one of the characters who would always be visualized as lively pink, pumped and youthful.

The stories progressed in parallel without a sign of them ever meeting in the middle. But when they did, it felt like the story ended way too quickly. Well, that is Murakami's style of writing. But unlike his other book, this one actually ends. There was this sense of closure. Rather different from his other works I'd say. For that, I was pleased.

So that's it.

Adieu

My Latest Obsession With Hijab

Ahh bawal chiffon..

So chiffon is an amazing fabric for a long shawl. It places beautifully with perfect creases and comfortable balance between being lightweight and not see through. But wearing long shawl sometimes takes longer time and requires delicate care through out the day.

I love bawal. It's simple. It's elegant. And it's dirt cheap. The problem with cotton bawal is that you either get the soft ones which feel good on your head but too thin and hard to place or you'd get the stiff ones which are rarely comfy. There is a good range of cotton bawal in the market but let's go to bawal chiffon. To be more precise, the heavy bawal chiffon.

Some of the good things about bawal chiffon are:

• It's not see through: This is super important. Unlike cotton bawal, the heavy chiffon does more than covering your hair. It covers the neck. No more tracing of skins when you're standing with the backlight on. It is also pretty breezy.
• It stays in shape for a long time. Depends on your initial placing, heavy chiffon really stays that way through the day provided that you pin it in place.
• It's less wrinkly than cotton. When you are rough with your cotton bawal, it tends to crease and stays wrinkly afterwards. Heavy chiffon is more durable to wrinkle. It's harder to crease.

When there are good, there are bad too. So these are what I find annoying with bawal chiffon

• Although it stays in shape through the day, the initial placing can be hellish. No matter how hard it is to place the fabric, do not use ironing starch. I might be an advocate to using starch on bawal cotton but with chiffon, it's a no-no. You'll ruin it's natural folds forever. So be very patient with placing your bawal. Once it is set, it will behave for the whole day. The peak won't ever fall flat.

• Chiffon is hard to crease but it is also hard to iron! Ironing bawal chiffon can be hellish. This is why choosing the correct type of chiffon for bawal is essential. Invest some time in getting the perfect-no-crease finishing by using steam ironing or be very attentive when using water spray.
• Chiffon stained easily especially with oil. When you stain your bawal cotton, you can rinse it off with water and soap. If you do that on chiffon, the stain mark would only get bigger until you wash the whole thing. And chiffon is sensitive even to the tinniest amount of oil like the sebum coming from your sweat. Once the sweat evaporated, the damp mark stays unlike on bawal cotton where it dries to an even colour.

So that's it... For what it's worth, bawal chiffon is amazing. It's not surprising though because chiffon is commonly used when making jilbab. So fabric is not really new to hijab scene. I'm just glad that there is a comfortable and stylish alternative to the comfy but see-through bawal cotton. I'm looking forward to having more bawal chiffon in my wardrobe.

This is not a product placement post. I'm just appreciating hijab and its diversity.

We're both wearing heavy bawal chiffon.

Adieu

Wish Crossed #1

Earlier this year I managed to cross one of wish from my wishlist.

I bought a bed. Wow, finally. After so many years. It's a beautiful wooden bed with white painting finishing. My parents bought the mattress years earlier and it doesn't exactly fit the new bed. As you can see, the mattress is a bit too thick for the bed. The headboard basically sinks behind the mattress. No biggie. I still enjoy it nonetheless. Plus, the bed is a great addition to my all white assemble. My kind of aesthetic.

Hmm.. pretty.

Adieu

The Thing About Malay Language

In Malay we have two common 1st person pronouns which are "Aku" and "Saya". But if you go to Terengganu and listen to how we speak you would notice that some of us use the word "Ambe" instead of "Aku" or "Saya". Lately, "Saya" is more commonly use. "Ambe" is usually used by older generation and sometimes only used within a certain group of speakers. I myself don't use "Ambe" that much for my dialect has been watered down by standard Malay.

"Ambe" is derived from the word "Hamba" and it is used to refer to a singular first person speaker. Back in the olden days, "Hamba" was used widely as the 1st person pronoun. If I'm not mistaken and correct me if I do, only Terengganu and Kelantan dialect still retain the use of word "Hamba" in daily conversation.

Now you might think, "What? Why are these people still use such an outdated and degrading word? Why not use "saya"? That is less degrading".

Well, you should know that "Saya" and "Hamba" bring about the same meaning. "Saya" is originated from the word "Sahaya" which translated to "slave". The word "Sahaya" itself is used in conjunction with the word "Hamba" to enforce its meaning. Pronunciation and spelling of words change with time; therefore, "ha" in "sahaya" is dropped to form a shorter word "saya".

Why not use "aku" instead?

In most Asian languages, there is level of politeness that needs to be observed when speaking. It is not as stringent as it is for the Korean speakers, but Malay do still preserves some level of politeness when speaking to different class of people. In formal setting, "Saya" is most commonly used while "Aku" is reserved for when speaking to someone close to you or when speaking politeness is not observed.

Let's go back to "Saya" and "Ambe". By using these words, it doesn't mean that you refer yourself as a slave. The word "Hamba" and "Sahaya" are used in the context of servant. When you speak to someone, you are serve your listener by communicating with them. It shows that you are keenly and politely communicating with them. This also shows that you place a certain amount of respect to them. This is because, Malay, as a culture, emphasizes courtesy in every activity. This is apparent even after hundreds of years, Malay still maintain this conduct in mean of language.

So why am I writing about this?
No reason. I just want to.

Adieu

Food Face-off: Squid Boy vs Shihlin

Dah lama aku kepamkan gambar-gambar ni dalam draft tapi sebab malas menguasai diri baru kali ni sempat nak buat write-upnya.

First of, aku tak la minat mana mee sua ni. Adik aku yang suka sangat. Biasanya dia beli dari Shihlin tapi tiba-tiba hari tu cakap nk try yang Squid Boy pulak. So aku cadangkan apa kata buat perbandingan dua brand ni? Walaupun perut aku dah kenyang melahap lamb chop hari tu, gagahkan jugak beli satu serving mee sua dan crispy chicken.

Squid Boy

Shilin

Mee Sua

Kepada yang tak biasa makan atau yang tak tau mee sua tu apa, mee sua tu sejenis mee yang diperbuat daripada tepung gandum. Rupa dia kasar sikit dari mihun. Tapi mihun diperbuat daripada tepung beras so texture dia lain sikit. Ada macam-macam cara nak masak mee sua tapi yang jual dekat Squid Boy dan Shilin ni taiwan style, Oyster mee sua. 

Note: Atas Shihlin, bawah Squid Boy

Perbezaan paling ketara antara dua brand ni adalah daging ayam. Shihlin ada tambah carikan daging ayam dalam resepi mee sua. Squid Boy takde ayam tapi ada banyak sos. Mungkin payah nak nampak sebab kualiti gambar tapi warna mee sua Shihlin lebih gelap berbanding Squid Boy. Bilangan tiram yang diberikan adalah sama, 3 ketul. Shihlin juga lebih pemurah bab daun ketumbar. Umm.. yum.

What about the taste? Shihlin punya mee sua rasa masam sikit. Sebab sos dia kot. Personally, upon first bite aku lebih prefer Squid Boy sebab rasa dia subtle je. Tapi lepas berkali-kali suap cepat rasa muak. Unlike Squid Boy, Shihlin mee sua x rasa macam tu. Aku pun tak paham kenapa. Tiram Shihlin pun lebih firm dan berperisa. So for this round, Shihlin menang.

Crispy Chicken

So ada perbezaan yang sangat ketara antara Crispy Chicken Shihlin dan Squid Boy. Shihlin tak potong ayam tu. It comes as one whole piece of chicken. Squid Boy pulak potong ayam tu kecik-kecik macam ayam Uncle Bob kat pasar malam. Cara diorang tambah serbuk perencah pun lain. Squid Boy letak perencah kat sebelah je bahagian ayam so rasa dia tak sekata tapi takde la tak sedap. Ok je. Both taste almost the same. Texture-wise, Shihlin won by a landslide. The science behind this is not to cut your chicken. Kalau korang tengok packaging tu, Shihlin punya paperbag ada basah sikit tapi paperbag Squid boy memang basah teruk. By not cutting the chicken, they retain the juice inside the chicken longer. So kalau korang planning nak tapau bawak balik rumah, pilihla ayam Shihlin. Tapi kalau nak makan terus, baik amik Squid Boy sebab less messy to eat in public.

Tapi kalau dua-dua ni lawan ayam uncle bob Putrajaya, dua-dua pun takleh lawan. Uncle Bob reign supreme. Shihlin and Squid Boy found dead in a ditch.

Harga

Hmm.. Aku tak tau mana aku campak resit-resit ni tapi Shihlin lagi mahal la. Berbaloi ke tidak tu depends on korang punya preference. Bagi aku memang berbaloi la sebab hmm sedap.

Masa Penyediaan

Serius Squid Boy lambat gila buat kerja. Customer tak ramai pun slow buat keje. Dah la silap Aku mintak crispy chicken perisa wasabi dia bagi perisa biasa. Shihlin laju sikit la. Tapi dua-dua pun slow bila sampai bab Crispy Chicken sebab masing-masing goreng based on demand to control the freshness. So kalau korang order ayam memang la lambat sikit.

So, tu je ceritanya.

Adieu

It comes to me..

.. like a violent wave.

I don't know how to better explain it. I suddenly feel so empty. So talentless. So separated from reality. It feels like I'm suddenly thrown into this big mass of nothingness. I want to draw. I draw pretty well lately. But I feel like it's slipping away from me. My skill. All my efforts. I feel like it's being sucked off of me.

This is not because of anything. It's so sudden. And it confuses me because at this moment in time, I am happy but also empty. It's not sadness. It's not anger. It's close to apathy. I can't feel anything. I am emotionally numb. How do you not get numb?

At time like this I desperately search for something material, something physical to stop me from floating away in this shapeless fog. This is why I spend so much money on literally anything. Food, gadgets, games.. But nothing can pin me down.

Please. I need an anchor. Hold me. I don't want to be taken away. Don't let the wave take me away.

Help me.

I can't feel anything.

Adieu

Accumulation of Hate

Hi there,

Let's have a rant session on a Monday morning. During the weekend, something happened on instagram. As most of you know, I am more active on instagram these days.

So what happened was, one aspiring comic instagrammer posted a screenshot of this guy accusing her of copying another famous comic artist. Now this is not the first time she heard such accusation. Many of her loyal followers supported her by leaving positive comments on her post. Things got quieter for a bit. And suddenly she posted another rant saying that she's quitting drawing comics. At first I was like, "What?? Because of that one comment yesterday??"

Oh I was wrong. Rather than on the instagram, she received another not-so-nice comment on her Facebook page. To some the comment might not seem so much but to her, after her being vocal about it on instagram many times before, it was the last straw. Some commented that she should have just ignored the guy. That he did nothing malicious. That it was just one comment. Heck, personally, I once had the same opinion.

But then things got deeper. It's not just one comment. There were like three similar comment calling her unoriginal, that she copied others. Though done in the most playful way, the motive was clear. And mind you, she had just stepped out of a long hiatus due to, you've guessed it, those same comments. She had since settled the differences between her and the commenters. They posted an apology to her which she had accepted. However, she would still be quitting comic instagraming.

Now what I want to highlight is not about those three people that drove a talented artist to an early retirement (it's her wish not to press the thing further) but rather on the issue of thinking that it's okay to send hate comment on a whim.

Hate comment is never okay. And thinking that it is harmless because you only posted one comment is wrong. The thing is, you think that it's just one comment but the receiver is receiving tonnes other "only one comment". If everyone shares the same logic that one comment is harmless, can you imagine how many more hate comment is going to pop out? Hate comment is a collection. Even one comment from you, no matter how trivial, is going to be lump together on a scale, everyday growing until the receiver had enough of it and quit.

So my advise is this. If you don't like something..
Ignore it.
You hate someone for no reason other than pure hate..
Block him/her.

If you dislike something, just stay away from it. Pack you thing and leave. Just leave and don't look back. burn all your connection with it. Be free. When you are free, it would be easier to not leave a hate comment.

And if you think you can't ignore it, just face it. Respectfully voice out your opinion. Settle things once and for all. And after that, leave. Never return.

Adieu