The Knot Part 2

Week two of manic episode.. No this is not a manic episode. I don't know what it is. I'm too afraid to get it diagnosed..

I can't maintain focus. On work.. on personal life. Today, right now, I can't stop myself from shaking. My face aches randomly. Earlier on my chin now it's on my right jaw. There's a suffocating lump in my throat. I bite down hard, clenching my jaw unknowingly. Now that I realize how tense my face feels, I soften it a bit. But I unknowingly do it again.

I feel like puking but at the same time I feel immense hunger. When I sat down for breakfast this morning, I had the most unpleasant feeling in my mouth. The food tasted great but having them in my mouth felt like a disturbance.

I need to talk to someone but at the same time I don't want to. My voice comes out dry and lifeless today. I croak, to be exact. I see weird expressions I can't decipher. All morning the faces I see are uncharacteristic. I notice how foreign the faces are. It's weird when I think about it. I've seen these faces everyday. I know how they look like but today it's like I am looking at a different people. My boss' face looks smaller. His brows look bushier than usual. My officemate Syikin's eyes look smaller. Her lips are puffier.  She looks leaner. The planner next to me, Nazmi, his hair is parted differently today. It's still on the same side but it just looks so different. I'm not even that attentive to things around me. I feel like I'm not in my usual space. I feel out of place. You know what's the worst thing is? I keep smelling that tom yum soup I ate last night. I sniff around, maybe the smell is on my shirt but it's not. It lingers around, not clutching to anything. It never leaves.

I'm jotting down everything I feel right now for future reference. If you manage to meet a therapist one day, show them this. This is what you feel right now. This is the torture you're going through.

Something bad is about to happen. I feel it in my bones.

Adieu