Would You Understand?

Tuesday, December 29, 2015


Dengar lagu buat aku emo.. Biar la tak paham sepatah haram pun.. Aku maksudkan lagu Whalien 52 dendangan BTS.. Phuh.. dendangan tu takleh blah tu.. Tapi topik hari ni bukan pasal kpop..

Okay.. Let's be deep for once.. Memandangkan aku agak emo ni, marilah sama-sama menyesakkan otak untuk memikirkan sesuatu seperti..

What if one day you lose your ability to express?

Macam kes di atas.. SUARA..

Macam kes aku.. Ability to draw..
Bila aku cakap 'ability to draw' maksud aku kebolehan untuk merealisasikan idea ke sekeping kertas ataupun kat monitor lelz whatever

To be honest, I want to give up drawing. Because no matter how hard I try, I could never materialize the idea I had in my mind. Every time I think of an idea, I would plan the execution meticulously.. But when the time comes for me to transfer it onto the paper, it would never come out the way I see it in my head. For years I've been tortured by my own inability to express myself. Not through drawing, writing or even viva voce phuh.. nak cakap verbally je padahal, viva voce bagai..

I'm so frustrated by it that I would avoid drawing altogether.. It's not about being able to draw nicely.. It's not about the technique. It's not about how precise the anatomy is.. It's about the idea.

Why can't I show you the exact thing I saw in my mind?

Macam cerita kat atas.. Aku nampak benda tu dalam kepala aku lain. I tried to stay true to my initial idea but my hands won't agree with me. My fingers defied me.

It's still in my head, the imagery.. It's so vivid that it's almost mocking me for my incompetency.

Do you know the loneliest place one can be? It's the head.. The head is the loneliest place to be.. Nobody could hear you.. Nobody could see it the way you do.. Yet it's so loud, it's deafening.

Adieu

28 comments:

  1. Tak boleh bayang kalau sesuatu jadi dekat tangan aku, sampai aku tak boleh melukis lagi. My words are weak, ni je cara dan kebolehan yang aku ada untuk luahkan sesuatu.
    And aku takut hilang penglihatan :(
    hmmm..nak emo juga la baca entri ni

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    1. yes.. misi tercapai nak buat semua orang emo. hohoho..

      Tapi memang antara benda yang paling aku takut, hilang deria penglihatan dengan tangan..

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  2. Baru tahu kisah whale ni bila tengok csi itu hari. Akhirnya ia mati keseorangan dlm kesunyian. Aku tak takut lost ability, aku takut mati keseorangan dlm kesunyian.

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    1. Aku lak baru tahu masa tengok dr.who episode the beast below. TT_TT sedih gila. Aku tiap kali ulang tgk tahan sebak sampai muka merah org ingt aku marah. Wahaha.

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    2. Sedihkan? Kalau la aku ni whale tu, memang depress la sepanjang hayat. Sapu air mata jap

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. chantek storyboard tuuuh, hehe2 layanns

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  6. wow... komik satu page yg cukup tinggal kesan...

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    1. huhu.. terima kasih.. Seronok bila kerja kita ada tingglkan sesuatu kat pembaca.. Achievement unlocked!

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  7. You know Day, there was once in my lifetime (a few years ago) when this exact line of thought occurred to me too:

    "Aku nampak benda tu dalam kepala aku lain. I tried to stay true to my initial idea but my hands won't agree with me. My fingers defied me.

    It's still in my head, the imagery.. It's so vivid that it's almost mocking me for my incompetency. - DeaDay"


    After some years went by, aku rasa macam mehhh... I guess this is just one of those things that are so crazy hard to accomplish and I'm not passionate enough to make them happen. Lelz... but I won't stop drawing though, drawing is fuuuun :3

    Your artwork is lovely Day, don't you dare give up on drawing, ever *serious face* >:(

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    1. Nak stop melukis ke taknak ni ek.. Aku taknak declare kalau aku betul-betul stop melukis sebab aku tau akan sampai satu hari tangan gatal, melukis jugak. Cuma tu la.. kerap sangat hiatus sampai dah naik menyampah ngan perangai sendiri.. hadoi

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  8. Masalah execution tak serupa dgn dlm otak selalu aku alami.
    Perasaan apa yang dilukis tak serupa dgn apa yang dirancang.
    Perasaan nak terbalikkan meja selepas habis selesai satu lukisan.
    Perasaan nak give up.
    Tiap-tiap hari aku alami.

    Tapi kan, pasti ada satu hari di mana kita boleh luahkan exactly as in our mind.
    Bila masa tu datang, aku yakin kepuasan yang bakal dapat tu takkan ternilai nak dibanding dengan apa-apa pun dlm dunia ni.
    Itu juga sebab kenapa aku tak give up.
    Sebab kalau aku give up sekarang, maka aku takkan ada peluang nak rasa perasaan kepuasan tu.
    Kan?

    (sorry, Mona. panjang. Aku pulak ter-emo)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sila emo. aku memang mood nak berfalsafah pun sejak dua menjak ni.. Haiiih.. tu la.. Nak kata tak puas hati ngan kerja sendiri tu banyak. Kadang orang pikir aku humble bragging tapi memang jujur cakap, setakat ni aku tak jumpa lagi kesempurnaan tu. Aku bukan nak artwork aku sempurna kat mata orang lain..
      aku nak aku yang rasa dia sempurna..

      Kalau setiap kali lepas melukis pun nak terbalikkan meja, agak-agak berapa lama Mona boleh tahan. Tu pasal la Mona jual goreng pisang sekarang..

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  9. Aku baru kedek2 nak tulis properly. Tadi tak sempat type proper ada appointment. Aku delete dulu tadi. Sekarang baru aku nak sambung tulis. Hehehe.

    You are not alone in this. To be honest, aku pon tgh lalui benda sama, kalo x sama pon.. sipi-sipi? Cuma aku dah hujung-hujung. Tgh cari jalan keluar dah. Mcm nampak dah. Ahahaha..

    Tapi aku cuba xnak kalah dulu dengan cuba improve drawing skill aku ni.. yang bapak berkerak, berkarat. That's the only solution I could ever think of buat masa ni. Maybe sebab that's how otak aku function pun in the first place. Otak aku ni jenis selalu cuba tackle sesuatu secara menyeluruh dari atas walaupon aku tau yg itu sangat memakan masa. Merangka-rangkaklah aku mula dari zero. Study sendiri. Aku gerak ikut naluri aku je. Thanks to internet mostly. Sebab semua benda ada.

    Aku. Idea je banyak.. sembelit betul bila nak keluarkan elok2. So aku simpan la dulu semua idea aku merata-rata. Written in summary mostly. Dalam kotak ingatan pon banyak lagi belum keluar. Bila macam padat sendat aku rant somewhere. Tu yg aku selalu endup merepek sorang-sorang.

    From what I read somewhere expression adalah benda last akan dapat artist develop after taste and style. Lepas dia finally selesa tengok lukisan dia sendiri. Orang lain punya pendapat tak akan pernah relevant bagi mana-mana artist. Sebab masing-masing ada vision and imagination unique only to them. Sebab tu self-critiques is among the biggest struggle and art block ever existed. Orang puji/bg assurances bertimbun pon belum tentu mampu buat artist tu puas hati dengan art expression dia.

    Macam ko cakap "It's not about being able to draw nicely. It's not about the technique. It's not about how precise the anatomy is.." And I think to be exact, it's about expressing your self/idea tapi always endup being misunderstood sebab ape yang nak disampaikan lain dari yang terzahir.

    The struggle is real. I feel you in my bones. Tapi aku percaya you'll get tru this hellish art block by your own means, pace and time soon! Hwaiting!

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    1. Kadang aku rasa art block tu halangan yang otak aku buat sebab dah kecewa sangat tangan takleh zahirkan apa yang dia nak. Pendek kata, merajuk la konon otak ni. lelz..

      Bagi aku, aku bila merujuk tutorial sangat kadang-kadang aku absorb style orang tu. Which is another frustration because soon I lose my identity, my originality. While striving to improve myself to better express my idea, the final product itself is morphed into someone else's thought..

      it's an ongoing war.. to improve? To lose yourself? to be truly you..

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    2. Lelzz! Aku rase kadang otak kita-kita ni dah macam separate human je dari diri seniri. Aku tak tau la orang lain mcm ne. Tapi aku adalah manusia lain kat dalam. Bila orang cakap that kinda hypocrite, I strongly doubt that. Aku rase semua orang ade diferent inside. Not necessarily bad dark or any opposite of the outside. Could be rainbows. AHAHAHA.

      Oh! About tutorial, agree. Online mentor aku dulu ada bagi warning benda sama jugak (absorbent nature). Dia atas macam mane artist tu punya learning nature jugak. Kalo dia leh tapis dari terpengaruh dengan style org tu then tutorial yang banyak org buat for free kat internet ni gonna be a huge help. We could chose what's relevant accordingly.

      Tapi still kadang tu not necessarily helpful to few others sebab tak banyak jugak yang betul2 berkualiti and kinda repetitive. Oh well, real professional lak jarang ada yang nak wat proper tutorial sebab time means money bagi mereka.

      Kalo tak leh jugak, ada lagi alternative lain kan. Proko sarankan study the pure basic/foundation little of everything from nature itself. Macam anatomy. Study anatomy asli human or any creature. Pokok? Tengok pokok di reality. And then translate jadi your own perception and expression.

      Above all, kita la yang lagi tau diri sendiri punya nature kan. Work from that. Slow and steady. Woohoo.

      p/s: Panjang gilak. Maap.

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  10. Serius, Ini komen keempat aku try post. Kalau tak lepas gak, aku rasa macam whale gak. Dah lain lain komen dah aku taip. Wuwuwwwu...

    Aku pun ada masalah yang sama. Dalam kepala lain, bila lukis jadi lain. Wuwuwuwu...dahlaaa aku kengakadang OCD jugak... koh koh koh

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    1. Wahahahaha.. ni dah kira spam comment ni.. Takpe bro, you've finally reached us. We heard you, don't worry. You're not a 52-hertz whale.

      Rasanya semua orang pun ada rasa apa yang dia nak cakap tu tak sampai. Bagi jenis yang particular dengan apa yang dia rasa, apa yang dia pikir, benda ni memang frustrating tahap gaban.. Haa..I complain too much lately..

      Delete
  11. Serius, Ini komen keempat aku try post. Kalau tak lepas gak, aku rasa macam whale gak. Dah lain lain komen dah aku taip. Wuwuwwwu...

    Aku pun ada masalah yang sama. Dalam kepala lain, bila lukis jadi lain. Wuwuwuwu...dahlaaa aku kengakadang OCD jugak... koh koh koh

    ReplyDelete
  12. Serius, Ini komen keempat aku try post. Kalau tak lepas gak, aku rasa macam whale gak. Dah lain lain komen dah aku taip. Wuwuwwwu...

    Aku pun ada masalah yang sama. Dalam kepala lain, bila lukis jadi lain. Wuwuwuwu...dahlaaa aku kengakadang OCD jugak... koh koh koh

    ReplyDelete
  13. This post totally get me. This is wht I've been feeling with my writing, as a language learner I'm into writing, so there is ths process called thinking before all the writing, but the most frustrating part is when wht you've been thinking didn't show well in your arts, drawing, writing etc. Most of the time you'll get discouraged by your inability to show, the one only you can feel, can't even express it to others. In the end, while the ideas get more complicated in your mind, it's past the climax, still nothing appears on the canvas, sigh.

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    1. Good luck with your study Ssan. I think, in a way, ideas can be a bit overwhelming at times. We can choose to forever be disappointed by it or try harder to overcome our own barrier. For me, at this moment, I'm a bit too demotivated to overcome my own weakness.

      I hope the post doesn't demotivate you too.

      Delete
  14. Deeeeepp...so deep.. Guhuhuhuhu.. Apa yang aku rasa pun macam sama jek dengan apa yang ko deliver kat sini.. I think I feel you.. Aku rasa macam sekarang ni aku di tahap yang mendatar, takde improvement apa2 dah. Aku tengok art aku macam dull jek..guhuhu..

    Takpe Day, aku harap ni cuma sementara jek and it is I think.. So, I pray it'll go away for you to make more amazing arts again..!!! Aku tunggu art2 kau taaaauuuwww..eheee..

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    1. Terharu ada orang tunggu hasil kerja aku

      Delete

The way you comment is so telling...

Day,


Part time normal, most of the time comic enthusiast. Almost always borderline crazy. Still experimenting with comic blogging. An engineer with a vision to not be taken seriously. Everything you read on this blog doesn't represent my gender, religion or profession as a whole. Other name you might associate with me are Deaday, DayGoon, JaeminGoon and *cough* Mona *cough*